I had a recurring dream for years when I was a child. It was always the same. I was on a small boat in the middle of the ocean with my grandfather. For context, my grandfather passed away before my second birthday, so I don’t really remember him. I do have a memory that is surreal and, honestly, a little crazy, of him holding me when I was a baby. I remember looking at his face and him smiling back at me and that’s it. So, add that to the fact that I was raised in Southern Ohio, nowhere even remotely close to an ocean, and this dream is just strange. I never did understand it. We’re on a boat and a storm is raging all around us, and he smiles and tells me it’s going to be okay. End scene.  

I’m not a therapist, but I would imagine that my subconscious self has conflated my grandpa with security or even possibly, a representation of God in my psyche. I can so vividly remember that boat, those waves, the look on his face… 

I didn’t realize back then that my life would be as turbulent as it has been. I didn’t know how many storms I would end up encountering, but I do know that regardless of the obstacles and challenges I’ve faced, I’m okay. God has provided for me time and time again, when I couldn’t see the shoreline anymore. When I’ve been in deep waters, quoting Dory to myself on repeat, (“just keep swimming”) he didn’t even ask me to swim, he held me in his hands and kept my head above water. 

Don’t misunderstand, some of the time, I was convinced I was going to drown. I made so many mistakes flailing and clawing for the surface. I’m sure I’ll have some moments of similar humiliation again. But those are moments that form us. Those are the moments we look back on and see the changes he’s so skillfully wrought in us and the grace he’s so faithfully extended. 

I didn’t know my grandpa, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to ride on the waves and see his face in my dreams. I know the one who can make the waves stand still and he’s called me out of the boat time and time again. I’ve walked, I’ve sunk like a stone, but the only thing that matters is, I get to see his face some day. In the meantime, he’s faithful all the time!!!