I walk through worlds apart sometimes. Laundry and dinner and dishes and longings of the soul simultaneously. And I’m cool with it. Maybe the worlds collide at the most integral moments and make up who we are meant to be. That’s where the beauty rests. At the intersection of laundry and scripture and existential thoughts on reality. Maybe God meets us in the moments of laundry and calls it lovely! I once wrote a song while putting away laundry that I sang for years in church and prison ministry that I believe impacted others. Maybe laundry is the key. Maybe I can be used of God while cleaning underwear and socks. That’s the beauty right?!? Jesus washed feet. He served. I long for the day when those with platforms beautify cleaning socks and those without realize the beauty of laundry. Just sayin’
Thought
Musings on the Benefits of Art
I’m not sure what I really want to say today. It’s the kind of day where I’m deeply introspective, reflective on meandering, spectral-like synapses flashing through my brain. I’ve been in an immersive reading phase which happens frequently, but only sometimes brings with it my current state of mental over-dramatism.
Sometimes we can overlook the power of words. We seek to connect with others both emotionally and physically, yet so much understanding and depth of empathy and knowledge can be gained and absorbed through the pages of a book or whatever medium you choose to read. It’s like an x-ray of the human soul on display for the world. A bleeding of feelings and thoughts flowing through the fingers of a writer connecting you to pieces you may never otherwise see.
Great literature changes us. We feel it viscerally. We remember the books that shape our lives.
I understand that not everyone is a reader and may not relate to this feeling. Still, my premise remains. Art resonates! It may be a movie or a painting or a podcast that effects you instead of a book. It could be all of the above. Art moves and breathes and grabs us when we least expect it. Art and beauty are fundamental to life. Creation itself calls us to connect deeply with beauty. It is all around us! We cannot help but hear its siren song and surrender occasionally.
I propose that we switch from defense to offense. Let’s pursue beauty! Let’s dig deep for the things that fill our souls and let the rich soil surround us. Let it plant seeds that we nourish daily with care until new life sprouts up and we are richer, fuller…fulfilled.
I admit I’ve been in a strange place recently. I’ve been frustrated and discouraged and just…tired. Who knew that all I needed was a few good books?!? It doesn’t change the circumstances and make things magically better, but it makes me feel like…well…me! I find myself, despite the hard things, able to feel content when I allow beauty in. I stop running from the words I’ve been holding back. I allow myself to ramble on like I’m doing here for no reason other than to feel myself being me. And for today, that is enough.
Thank God for beauty, art, music, and the written word.
A Curious Case of the Shoulds
In a random conversation with my son a few days ago, I was faced with a truth hidden behind imaginary walls I’ve erected in my own mind. He told me that I always say, “I should do that.” There are many examples of what “that” is. It could be writing more, or playing my guitar more often, or finishing up a sewing project, or crocheting that blanket, or finishing that course, or starting that business venture. The list goes on, while I sit still. I’m good at the “shoulds” but not so good at the follow-thru.
I was scrolling through obituaries earlier today and thinking of people I’ve known who recently passed on from this adventure we call life. Some leave great legacies about their accomplishments in business or their many travels around the world. Some leave tributes about how they loved and cared for their families. Some even leave quotes about their favorite beer (I literally saw that listed in an obituary today.) I don’t want the dash on my tombstone to be marked by any one thing or by a listing of accomplishment or greatness. I want the years my dash represents to be marked by a dedication to God and the things that matter. I want to make a difference somehow in the void not a blip in an obituary column that will be forgotten.
The past couple weeks, I’ve been rereading the Lord of the Rings trilogy and “nerding out” completely. Tolkien was a genius! He left his mark not only in the masterpieces he created that live on so vividly today, but he was also instrumental in C.S. Lewis’s conversion to Christianity. Lewis as we know then became one of the most prolific Christian figures in literature and religion of our time. Tolkien’s dash indelibly etches it’s trace into forever.
I don’t know what it is that leaves me stranded in the forest of the shoulds but I am determined to find a path out. One foot in front of the other, I choose to step forward and take action. Distractions will surely attempt to sway me from the pathway. Busyness will come and scream in my ear that I should be doing something else. Fear and insecurity will most definitely rear their wicked heads to keep me stuck in the fray. They are my biggest enemies.
Still sometimes I think that the biggest victories are achieved, not by fell strokes of force, but by the active and adamant action of one foot in front of the other. So if you’re looking for me, dear friend, I’ll be here practicing the simple art of walking until I’m finally living.
Life
When living decides it has had enough and it’s you and death against the barricade
And time stands still for no one
And the clock ticks for everyone
And you cry for different choices
And you hope for different voices
And you scream when the time is out
And you cry wondering if it could be different
Then you realize moments matter
And you breathe again or hold in the tears. Neither seems adequate
Perspective from a kid on a log to a woman on a tree
I once sat among the trees staring life into the branches
Singing harmonies with the heavens
Holding court with the trunks
I once sat in the heavens though my feet touched earth
And I counted the ways the fireflies lit the night
I found respite in the angles of the starlight
Then I broke
But today I’m not broken and my feet can feel the branches and the things that once splintered seem to bring hope
That’s the way it is when God reaches down to the hearts of men.
So dance and sing winds and I will play along and breathe melody into creation all around.
Because I am not who I was; I’m who I’m meant to be and undoubtedly that’s enough for me
I walk through tomorrow
If I could hold the thread of yesterday and pull
What would I be in the coming light?
Jesus, be the name ever on my lips.
If I could serenade the heavens and feel the clock of time awaiting…
Would I sing louder!
Would I wait until the moments of glory passed?
Because it’s the mundane that makes a human
It’s the everyday devotion
It’s the life unspoken
It’s who we are at the core. let me be, at the core, someone who reveals your glory.
Jesus, be the name ever on my lips.
Thinking for no reason …
I’m up past my bedtime and I’m thinking of so many random things. How I used to sing loud and now I hold back. How my years of church drew me to study the Bible more closely and the treasure I’ve found for myself! Life can beat you down yet deep calls unto deep. So I’m here tonight calling to the deep, reliving who I was and praising God for who I am. The overwhelming theme is that He has been so faithful to me!!! Words can’t contain his faithfulness. Volumes could be written then unwritten , constructed and reconstructed, and they couldn’t contain his faithfulness. I keep hearing (from various sources) that we should do the last thing God called us to do before moving forward. The last thing I know he told me to do was write and I’ve been stuck. Not because he hasn’t been great, but because I’ve been hesitant to say it all. I don’t know why. I guess it’s partly that I wonder if anyone would resonate with my story and partly the shame of the details (though I have nothing to hide). Still, if deep has a name, I want to meet him. I want to fall headlong into the space between myself and who he is! He is worthy! If only you could know what I’ve seen and experienced. So I will try to tell my story. I will throw it into the void. Be patient with me. I will sing loud again. I will find myself amid the noise.
Side note, “Amid” was the title of one of my first tracks. The circle continues I suppose. 🤣 I guess that’s part of the beauty. Stay tuned…
Just thinking…
God of the infinite ages, you see me
You find me here
You have always been
You will always be
Yet, you see me.
The depths sing your praises
The harmonies of creation cry out
And somewhere in the symphony of heaven, you hear me chime in.
A squeak
A song
A note
An utterance through the noise of it all
I’m a speck of dust in the wind
Yet I perk your ears to listen and you still call me a friend.
These are the things that write the words unfathomable.
Moments of time when dust calls to infinite and I am undone.
If I were a song,
I would call to the heavens and search for your voice
If I were me in the moments I don’t know who I am, I would search for your words because you speak them over me daily.
Who am I that the highest king would see me?
I am the dust bowl embodied, yet you reach for me
And I bow down and revel in your faithfulness because if anyone knew who you are, and what I’ve been through, and who you are to me now, they wouldn’t be able to comprehend…
So I rest my head tonight
Because I know
And that’s enough!
On Faithfulness, Dreams, Ghost Boats and Grandfathers
I had a recurring dream for years when I was a child. It was always the same. I was on a small boat in the middle of the ocean with my grandfather. For context, my grandfather passed away before my second birthday, so I don’t really remember him. I do have a memory that is surreal and, honestly, a little crazy, of him holding me when I was a baby. I remember looking at his face and him smiling back at me and that’s it. So, add that to the fact that I was raised in Southern Ohio, nowhere even remotely close to an ocean, and this dream is just strange. I never did understand it. We’re on a boat and a storm is raging all around us, and he smiles and tells me it’s going to be okay. End scene.
I’m not a therapist, but I would imagine that my subconscious self has conflated my grandpa with security or even possibly, a representation of God in my psyche. I can so vividly remember that boat, those waves, the look on his face…
I didn’t realize back then that my life would be as turbulent as it has been. I didn’t know how many storms I would end up encountering, but I do know that regardless of the obstacles and challenges I’ve faced, I’m okay. God has provided for me time and time again, when I couldn’t see the shoreline anymore. When I’ve been in deep waters, quoting Dory to myself on repeat, (“just keep swimming”) he didn’t even ask me to swim, he held me in his hands and kept my head above water.
Don’t misunderstand, some of the time, I was convinced I was going to drown. I made so many mistakes flailing and clawing for the surface. I’m sure I’ll have some moments of similar humiliation again. But those are moments that form us. Those are the moments we look back on and see the changes he’s so skillfully wrought in us and the grace he’s so faithfully extended.
I didn’t know my grandpa, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to ride on the waves and see his face in my dreams. I know the one who can make the waves stand still and he’s called me out of the boat time and time again. I’ve walked, I’ve sunk like a stone, but the only thing that matters is, I get to see his face some day. In the meantime, he’s faithful all the time!!!
If I could go back
I don’t know that I would
I don’t know that my yesterday would yield a return.
I might be happy to be the me that I am.
I might wish for the dreams I once cherished.
I might want to be someone else but I don’t think so.
I am me.
The living.
The breathing
The survivor
The conqueror
The warrior
The singer
The writer
I am the culmination of the me I was born to be
And I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow but that doesn’t stop me from being grateful for today.
Because today is beautiful
