Random things I find in old boxes
Thought
When I was a human…
I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.
Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.
I’m not a human anymore.
Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.
Humanity can be the absence of humanity…
The me, alone with me.
And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.
Hold your breathe.
Vacuum
If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?
I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future
I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today
It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow
Because my life is on hold for now
And nothing can change that.
So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.
I hope and pray for better days.
And I know they will come because I have faith…
But it doesn’t undo the hard things.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.
I’m just spitballing in a world lost.
But maybe that’s enough.
I’ll keep you posted.
Walking between the worlds
I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide
And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me
And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody
When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain
Because, once I was a girl,….
Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer
And I wonder if I’m strong enough.
Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.
Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.
Bring your A-game!
Once upon a time
In days past I could stand tall
Against the world
Against the noise
And the bleating and the chaos was a calm normal in the wake
Though it never should have been
And now the rust settles to decay
And I stand anyway
Because that’s what it means to be in the realm of the real
So feeling you gone doesn’t hurt like it should
And I know I should find my emotions
But I laughed today, hard, until tears flowed with my ten-year-old
And that’s enough to keep me going
Maybe we should measure better
Maybe the laughter should be our compass
I love deeply despite the hurt and I move on despite the pain and now I’m me alone against the void
And maybe that’s best.
Eternity
Today, my sister tore the veil and crossed into infinity.
And I don’t know what to make of it.
She was too young.
She had so much to give.
She was fierce.
She was a lion meant for destiny.
She s gone.
And my heart can’t quite process it all.
And my head is numb and weak and sad.
And I wonder what might have been.
And I cry.
A lot!
Fly high little love.
Find the light you struggled to see.
I’m praying that I see you again and I’m crying that it can’t be now.
Death where is your sting?
Right here in the land of the living.
The Harder Things
I used to try to prevent the hard things.
I used to try and make it all okay with extra work and a swing of my magic sword of indifference and strength combined.
Now I’m learning to lean in.
In the hard things, hope comes from strange places.
In the hard things, we realize there is more than this moment…more than us.
There is a God who provides!
I tend to minimize the thing’s happening in my life.
I tend to act like it’s all fine (when it is not).
But I’m truly grateful!
Because there’s a God who sees it all and is faithful to me no matter what!
And I’m willing to fight through the day, despite the pain, knowing He’s there to hold me up on the other side.
Lean in!
Don’t be afraid!
He’s got you and me and all the broken pieces and a million hearts searching.
Because he’s big enough!
That’s enough for me!
On Nights When I Am Broken
Darkness has a funny way of trying to creep into lit spaces.
And I see it coming and light candles and try to combat the impact.
But sometimes, I am fighting enemies that were too long my friends.
Sometimes, I’m comfortably numb.
Sometimes, I want to hurt until I cry to prove I’m still human.
Sometimes , I want to hide.
Sometimes, I wish I were dust that would vanish with a good amount of deep cleaning.
But I think the air is most thin when we don’t open up.
When the vacuum of our silence has stolen so much.
And sometimes, when the air creeps in and we feel exposed, we bleed.
But blood once paid for everything so maybe it’s okay to feel the pain.
Tonight, I’m just praying for a warm pillow and sleep where the comforter finds me.
And tomorrow…I will breathe again…that’s life in the land of the living.
Sweet dreams, baby! Get up and roar!
When the mirror finds you
I’ve been going through some stuff.
It’s heavy.
But tonight I found myself on the elliptical running out the problems of today and I wonder
What if the mirror has been lying?
What if the me I want isn’t hiding in the shadows of the me I was?
What if all my striving wasn’t meant to make me whole?
What if us and everything together isn’t the goal?
Maybe there’s more behind the veil.
Maybe something good can come from this beautiful mess.
So I surrender to the night and shower away the pain of today and find hope and healing in a God who never fails.
And, I realize none of this makes sense.
But to the ones hurting, tonight can be a light if we let it.
Tomorrow can bring hope regardless of the night before.
Fight on dear friends. You have greatness in you!
Find the light even when the mirror tells you otherwise.
Breaking
I won’t break!
I might…
I won’t look for answers in the void
Or I will…
Either way, I’m okay.
Because sometimes that’s how I realize who I am
And sometimes that’s enough.
INSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER 