Poetry

On Nights When I Am Broken

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

Darkness has a funny way of trying to creep into lit spaces.

And I see it coming and light candles and try to combat the impact.

But sometimes, I am fighting enemies that were too long my friends.

Sometimes, I’m comfortably numb.

Sometimes, I want to hurt until I cry to prove I’m still human.

Sometimes , I want to hide.

Sometimes, I wish I were dust that would vanish with a good amount of deep cleaning.

But I think the air is most thin when we don’t open up.

When the vacuum of our silence has stolen so much.

And sometimes, when the air creeps in and we feel exposed, we bleed.

But blood once paid for everything so maybe it’s okay to feel the pain.

Tonight, I’m just praying for a warm pillow and sleep where the comforter finds me.

And tomorrow…I will breathe again…that’s life in the land of the living.

Sweet dreams, baby! Get up and roar!

Breaking

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I won’t break!

I might…

I won’t look for answers in the void

Or I will…

Either way, I’m okay.

Because sometimes that’s how I realize who I am

And sometimes that’s enough.

What it’s like to live in an abusive relationship

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There are nights when life feels okay and you fall asleep and dream of good things.

There are nights when you blame the world’s failings on your own shoulders.

I can bleed with the best of them.

But there are nights when you realize, for maybe a minute, that this is harder than it should be.

And death till you part doesn’t mean, you die like an expense report, in the archives of a business file.

Maybe there’s more than this.

Maybe there’s a place where it isn’t all your fault, Even though it never was to begin with.

Maybe holding on is leaving you cut and scarred and bruised beyond recognition.

And you can’t tell the world because they don’t understand.

And you can’t be a failure again and again.

So you ride the carousel until it stops and buy another ticket.

Because yesterday was good

And tomorrow is unknown.

But anything is better than this…

Heave, ho, pull the anchor in again my friend because it’s not easy and you and you alone get to decide when it’s too heavy.

On learning and loving and walking on

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Sometimes your own people won’t get you

Sometimes it hurts

Sometimes that’s okay

Sometimes it’s not

That’s okay too

Walk on dear friend.

Move into the next moment, okay with yourself and who you are.

If the night stopped the second a cloud came, we’d never see daylight

But we keep spinning

And the dawn will come

Wake up tomorrow and realize you don’t need the approval of the setting sun.

If you really knew me…

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If you really knew me, would you hang me out to dry with the stars?

Would you wonder if I’m someone worth your time?

Would you debate with the clock and the ashes of lives lived and gone?

Would you pull me close and tell me of tomorrows?

Would you fold the flames of a life well lived around me or call for backup?

If you really knew me, would you say hello when you saw me or hide?

If you really knew me would you wonder at the greatness I hold or run in the opposite direction?

Will you read my words on a page and wonder if I’m human?

Or will you find that we are the same

Fumbling for light when the darkness presses in and …

Reaching, so hard, when the light calls?

Do you see me? Can you hear me?

These are questions for the abyss yet I ask them.

These moments define destiny.

Iif you really knew me, you would know.

But in the space of time and light and all the things that make us….us, I’m a voice screaming into the air.

But if you really knew me, that might matter.

In the meantime, I’m okay with the background chatter.

Human

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I used to be human, once when it was trendy.

But what good are trends anyway?!?

I’m me in the trenches.

I’m me when the world crashes around me.

I’m me in the flesh and the bone…in the spirit and song…

In the trenches.

Just little ol’ me

I grope for air when I need to breathe

I hang on to euphemisms when I need hope.

I grope for light when I feel dark.

I wait for the dishes to be done

For the world to feel uncluttered even when I know I’m responsible for the outcome.

I wait for the light to appear.

But I am loved!

Not by you certainly. Maybe not even by the people I hold close to my chest like life preservers.

But I’m loved.

And maybe that’s enough.

Because I’ll get up tomorrow and go again.

And things will get done little by little and I will grow or whatever…

Tonight, I’m me, in the light of a thousand moons,and the presence of a God who loves me anyway and that’s more than enough for me!

Moonlight and yesterday and maybe tomorrow

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I once basked in moonlight

I found it glorious

I remember writing cheesy poetry about the moon being a “rock ball reflection of the brightness of fire”

The moon was a magical reflection of what could be in the dawning of the SON.

I never shied away from night because I see it as an integral part of living.

I’m still not a morning person.

I don’t sleep well.

I don’t enjoy waking

I want to stay in bed in the embrace of the solitude

It’s a flaw I live with every day when the 5am alarm blares.

But in darkness, we can remember light and that is crucial.

I am scrambling tonight in pursuit of bedtime while my to-do list beckons.

One thing I know…

Tomorrow is coming and I will tackle whatever it brings.

Live

Like there’s no tomorrow

Find the light when the moon hides and the sun doesn’t show its face.

Get up! Breathe again and remember why!

Sometimes, that’s all we’ve got.

So go!!!

Me

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I think I was me once, when nothing else interrupted the light.

I could call out and hear the echo of tomorrow, regardless, the darkness that threatened.

But I think I forgot

What does it mean to hold a candle and illuminate the shadow?

Am I here in the midst?

Am I breathing?

I guess we will know tomorrow.

And even if we don’t, I’ll get up and start again

Because that’s what it means to fight!

The embrace of every day

The inbounding hope that fills the gap between dark and dawn

We get up and go again and hope the light can find us when we’ve lost our way.

So step forward, one tentative step at a time

And keep going

One foot, then another.

Tomorrow brings no promise of light and life but it’s what we have.

So push through the breech and find your strength dear friend.

Tomorrow is worth the fight!

Segmentation

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I think I may live in segments. Moments between where the great is and where it was and who I am now and who I used to be.

Segmented arthropods or a life once lived draped in shadow. And I’m okay this way…maybe…

I stare at the moon.

I stare at the memory.

I stare at life.

And I’m breathing

Wondering what that means anymore.

But my voice is strong and so I stare and yell to the void

Maybe that’s enough.

Maybe not.

Time will tell.