Who am I if the world stops turning for a moment
And I’m left with the quiet and the night
Who am I when grace is the only option
Because, alone, I’m never enough
And grace says that’s still okay.
Who am I in the face of lunchboxes and routines?
Who am I when I’m yelling at my kids to get out the door in the morning
Or to go to sleep at night?
Who am I?
I am loved!
I am chosen!
I’m okay.
And maybe, just maybe that’s enough
If you and I were “I and me” and the world were nothing but trees and bees, would any of it matter?
If I and you were, you and me, and there was nothing but us and song and “free”, would it be worth fighting for?
Just wondering…
Deep thoughts in the midst of a thoughtless night. Heaven help us.
But there’s tomorrow!
Life is walking on
Life is waking up in the morning
Life is doing what it takes to roll out of bed when the alarm is too harsh and the sleep is too short
Life is kids making you crazy
Life is partners making you wonder, “what in the world?!?”
Life is struggle
Life is breath
Life is another sunrise
Life is another chance
Life is another choice
Life is broken or whole?
Life is defeat or victory?
Life is who I was versus who I am.
Life is tomorrow…
Life is what if I tried?
Life is a choice
Life is a chance
Life is, what’s the worst that could happen?
Life is Jesus!
Life is, “What if I miss it?”
Life is “What if I fail?”
Life is “What if I didn’t?”
Life is “No regrets!”
Don’t waste it!
Go for it!
Live!!!
It’s been a week! I got sick, probably just a severe cold or flu, but it banned me from humanity in the current Covid climate, despite my negative test results. So I tried to rest, amidst my endless household to do list and everything I fight for and against on the daily. I often wonder if anyone could possibly know what the machinations of my daily life are…then I settle into a firm, “no” and go to bed.
So a week home of sickness, from work, has brought WAY too much time for watching home improvement shows and realizing my inadequacies. Maybe my organization style is actually, “modern mother seeking to survive life with chaos”? Who knows, but I don’t think I fit the mold. So I await the HGTV genie crew to come in and save me from myself and make my house a palace, but I think I’ll be waiting a long time.
And at the end of the day, it’s me….it rests on my shoulders to make light from darkness and order from chaos. I don’t think that I’m equipped and I know I won’t be gracing the world with appearances on (insert home show here.com), but I know that this is my life…this is my rodeo and I will fight to make it beautiful!
We can strive for HGTV “perfect” or we can rest in “our best” and if I have to choose, my instinct goes to “perfect” while my reality goes to “just breathe”. I may not be perfect, but God gave me these kids and He knows best. So I need to learn to suck it up and deal and fight another day. I am me. I am trying. I am who I’m meant to be this is me. (Okay got carried away and quoted a song, but somewhere someone was singing it! Or maybe that was just me) Either way, we are human, trying to get through the daily. We are warriors. Represent! Or am I the only one staring blankly at the end of the night? I hope I’m not alone! I sit and stare at the clock until it swallows me whole and then regret knowing the definition of time.
Today marks 365 days around the sun since you joined us here. I remember the call. You were gone. I miss you more than I can say but I know it’s okay (I swear I didn’t mean for that to rhyme).
In my heart, I see clearly the serenity of the place you last walked. In my head, I want to call you and tell you about my day, my week, the weather, the sound my car is making, the dinner I cooked tonight…the stupid, little things.
I miss you! I wish you were here to run home to. I wish you were here to remind me it’s all okay. But I’ll have to wait until we meet again. “Remember who you are”, comes to mind.
I hope this year has been your best! I hope you’ve done your “special daddy dance” (which I demonstrate for my kids often) around the streets of heaven. I hope you’ve looked down on us and smiled. I smile for you daily!
One year, 365 days and everything has changed and everything is the same. Without you…
A hole in the center filled with light.
I miss you Daddy but I know it’s alright. (Oops with the rhyming again…whatever…I’m leaving it.)
I remember six.
What it was to go down to my grandfather’s basement and sing at the top of my lungs while he played guitar.
I remember chords and burning and the life and longing that only comes with a great song.
I remember faces beaming and proud looks screaming “legacy”. I remember the look in his eye…the song in his fingers….the bliss of a guitar fully freed.
I remember.
Tonight my five year old wrote a song. I haven’t taught him the language of music yet. I haven’t showed him. Yet he brings me this.
I’m transported back in time to notes played freely and voices ringing loudly…to no inhibitions. Just me and my voice and the voice of one who believed in me.
And I wonder…can legacy exist when no one is looking?
But I am looking. I remember. So tonight I stare at the random notes written on unseen bar.
I flail at the night and remember who I am. And in that, I find my children and see the light.
It travels freely through the darkness, unhindered.
Because legacy is greater than us. It sweeps through the fragments of the soul and finds a home in the unhindered.
So tonight I write, I dream, I awake in the morning in memory and hope. Because the future is brighter and God is working.
I am a puzzle piece groping for truth. I hold life and I, only, know how to let it out with word and song so I keep going.
Light and life are worth the effort.
Do you ever think about who’s out there listening
I write this blog, throw these ideas into the air
But I’ll never know who hears them.
Who sees beyond the void…
I think of the words that have changed my life
The moments I stumbled across something that shook me to my soul.
There are words I’ve read that laced up my fighting boots to endure another day.
There are songs I’ve heard that became my anthem for a time.
There is greatness in the smallest of phrases that gave me the strength to keep going.
So who are you dear friend, that I’ve probably never met?
Are there melodies playing in your heart, singing sweetness and moving your feet to the rhythm of tomorrow?
Are there words hanging in the air around you waiting to be plucked, like fruit from the vine to nourish you as you march forward?
Do you know you are loved?
Can you see the romance?
The holy one calling softly, through the noise to find your ears and whisper His promise.
Can you see it?
Can I help?
I will never know. But I’ll continue to throw some words into the void to remind you.
You are seen. You are valuable. You have been created for purpose.
Listen carefully until you hear it.
The dark can be so daunting
The light can seem so dim
Still, from heaven, you are calling.
Can I hear your voice again?
No fear in death or life, though all of hell presses in
Your voice, the roaring lion, shatters mountains and hangs on the wind.
Still small voice, speak to me. I’m listening!


Tomorrow is a glass half full.
Tonight is a memory.
I exhale with baited breath to find myself on my knees.
And I know it’s “worth it” if I die another day.
And I know there’s purpose in the things I choose not to say.
But it was you and me against the world until you were gone.
Now it’s me and me to fight alone and I’ll sing some lonely song. Maybe I should just face the truth that you’re gone.
Maybe I was the “missing one” all along.
I sit in silence for hours and days while the world passes by unhinged. I watch the clock dismantle and in haze because time no longer makes sense.
Then I breathe and remember that today will be gone in an instant and tomorrow will either repeat the same or be glorious.
Tonight I choose the latter.
INSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER 