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Challenge

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I’m a sucker for a good challenge until it hurts too much.

I recently gave into an old obsession and bought yet another workout DVD because it looked SO pretty. We all need a little variety from time to time right? I was so excited to pop the sucker in and transform my body in one hour. I knew as soon as it was through I’d be rushing with endorphins and ready to overtake the tri-state area (yes, I have kids and watch way too much Phineas and Ferb). With one swift flash of my Reebok I’d forever destroy the evil forces of Cellulite and his marshmallow minions.

Unfortunately, my dreams of heroism were dashed within the first twenty minutes of hellish torment inflicted upon me by power lunges and the land of ten thousand squats. Even the perfectly perky muscled out trainer people on the tape were in tears with quivering legs unable to sustain any more torment. It was somewhere in between my tears and the tears of the poor and pitiful buff girl on the tape that I decided I may have been a little too ambitious. I decided to come back to this particular DVD in a few years when I’d changed my name to “Jaimie, body-builder extraordinaire”.

For some reason today I decided to get it back out and I happened to notice there was a shorter workout on the same DVD that I hadn’t seen the first time. So I figured I’d give it a shot. Worst case scenario, I could just give up and have a good laugh at the insanity that drove me to try again.

I made it all the way through!  There were definitely a few moments when I was convinced that I would fail. I lost my balance a few times and had to readjust and get back in the right position. But I did it and I feel like a warrior…maybe not quite a superhero yet, but a warrior nonetheless.

I think that’s the way it should be with the challenges before us. Usually the things worth fighting for don’t come easy or cheap. I will not offer on the altar that which costs me nothing comes to mind. (2 Samuel 24:24) Sometimes it will feel like the earth will open underneath us and swallow us whole if we keep standing here. Sometimes it will feel like we aren’t nearly strong enough to keep standing in that position for another second. The cool thing is that in the end, we are a lot stronger than we think we are. We are capable of so much more than we allow ourselves to believe and on top of that, when we aren’t strong enough we have a comforter who is. “And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

I’m beginning to believe that if the task I’m setting out to accomplish is perfectly comfortable for me, then it may not be the task God is setting before me. I think he expects us to tackle the big things. I think he wants us to realize we can do more than we have been doing and that he has big, incredibly good, plans for us that exceed what we conceive in our limited understanding. I’m determined to accept the challenges that come my way with determination and passion. I’m determined to not freak out when I lose my balance and fall down, but rather to get up and go again.

I’m going to be one fit mama by the time I’m done both physically and spiritually.  “If you instruct the brethren in these things, you will be a good minister of Jesus Christ, nourished in the words of faith and of the good doctrine which you have carefully followed.  But reject profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise yourself toward godliness.For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that now is and of that which is to come.” 1 Timothy 4:6-8

 

 

Fallen

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The Beauty of the Murky Mire

At what point do we cease to stand?

When the lie has consumed the mind to blur truth to mere suggestion?

Is there a moment when our spirit screams?

Maybe it’s long before we’ve reached the edge.

Maybe it’s that first sighting of the precipice, when a small voice says “looky there”.

Maybe it’s then that we are warned not to glance the other direction.

Perhaps as we approach the forbidden the voice of reason dims in light of the voice of justification.

We too often justify the lie to make truth fit our desire rather than conform our desire to His thoughts.

His ways are higher, yet I see you standing on the bottom looking up wondering how you got there.

Maybe you know…

Today my heart is heavy.

Another one bites the dust while sin smirks in the face of those who have conquered it.

I refuse to give up.

Fallen around me, deep to the murky mire

Wake up now & climb!

 

Movement

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This morning when I woke up, the outer bands of Isaac were still making their way across Southwest Florida. It was beautiful. We slept peacefully last night to the sound of the rain. School was cancelled so we didn’t have to get up at five AM which was a plus.

I looked out the window and saw strips and gatherings of clouds scattered across the sky moving as if with a mission setting off to find their allies. They are still moving quickly, leaving enough space between them to let small banners of sunlight peek through.

I am praying for those on the other end of the Gulf Coast who may be impacted far more than we were. I pray that Isaac will dissipate completely before ever reaching land.

The thing that keeps striking me this morning though is the movement. When I opened the Bible this morning, the first scripture jumping off the page at me was Isaiah 55:10-11 “For as the rain comes down and the snow from heaven, And do not return there, but water the earth and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the earth. So shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth. It shall not return to me void, but it shall accomplish what I please and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”

I keep looking out the window at the clouds moving by like an army marching to battle. I can’t help but stare at the canal behind my house where the water is moving faster than ever; drops marching collectively as if to the cadence of a masterful drummer. That’s how His word is. It’s sent forth with a specific purpose into the earth. Every word designed and precisely ordered to accomplish what He pleases.

We are going to be held accountable for our words. Are the words we speak designed to produce life or do we merely speak just for the sake of talking? Are we diligent about loving the lost or are we quick to use our tongues as swords against them?

I pray that my actions, thoughts and words are in cadence with the rhythm coming forth from the throne of God. I pray the words of my mouth and meditations of my heart would be acceptable in His sight. (Psalm 19:14) Perhaps as we move in purpose, it will make way for His light to shine through the shadows.

Even though the rain must fall from time to time, His light is always there enveloping the earth with warmth and abundance. His love invaded the earth to overthrow sin and death that once held us captive. I, for one, desire to follow Him to battle and help to release the prisoners of war still bound and longing to taste freedom. I pray my actions and my words always reflect that.

Our words should be like water to the thirsty soul. Our mouths should be carriers of truth to the parched earth below. We should see life and good fruit from what we say and do.

Isaiah 55 also says that His thoughts are not our thoughts and His ways are not our ways. I know His ways are so much higher than ours yet I can’t help but desire that His desires would become my desires. I want to think like He does and connect with His heartbeat. I know that so often I am not tuned into His cadence and His voice. I am thankful that He brings the occasional windy, rainy, storm to come along and recapture my attention.

Hurricane Isaac

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Hurricane Isaac 5pm updated track from NOAA website

We’re busy getting ready for Hurricane Isaac. We’re hoping it will be no more than a few thunderstorms (a phenomenon we in south Florida are quite comfortable with) but with each new advisory, we are realizing we should feel the force of a category 1 storm. Naples is officially under a hurricane warning so, as happens every time, panic is spreading around our little corner of the world. Gas stations, grocery stores and Home Depot are thriving. Facebook is blowing up with Isaac information.

I too have gotten the bug. I found myself compelled to turn the TV channel from Food Network to The Weather Channel to watch the latest advisory.

My daugter and nephew are out back keeping guard over the fire pit. We’ve been diligently piling all of our flammable disposables i.e. old furniture, boxes from our move in May, leftover wood from my husbands jobsites. The hope was that when it wasn’t 100 degrees outside we could use these items to make our fire pit into an entertaining winter evening activity. Now we realize what we’ve really created is a large pile of soon to be projectiles. They must go.

I’m taking inventory of what I can cook without electricity in hopes of saving myself a trip to town tonight (It’s not looking good). I’m catching up on laundry  so we’ll have clean clothes to wear with or without power and water. We have flashlights, candles, battery-powered radios and batteries to go with them.

My extended family is trying to decide whose house is safest to ride out the action so we know who gets to stay home and who spends the night here or where. Which makes me think I’ll probably need more food because we’ll probably have company. It’s an adventure after all. Why have an adventure alone?

If only we had time to prepare for all of the catastrophes life throws at us. Then again, maybe we do… We may not get storm warnings and advanced notice for all of life’s happenings, but we do have the ability to prepare for things ahead of time. We start by having our focus on the right things everyday.

If we prepare our hearts, when the storms of life arise all the clutter is already cleared away. The things that can cause damage to our spirits can be taken care of daily so when tragedy comes, we don’t have to break or crumble.  Spiritual preparedness comes first and foremost from the only truly safe refuge of the soul, Jesus Christ.

Here are a few steps we can take to prepare ourselves:

1. Guard your heart: Proverbs 4:23 “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life”

Philippians 4:7 “and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

It’s like putting up hurricane shutters to keep the rubble away.

2. Forgive: Luke 6:37 “Judge not, and you shall not be judged. Condemn not, and you shall not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.

When we forgive others it’s like cleaning up our hearts. When we hold onto anger and unforgiveness, we hurt only ourselves. We need to clean it all out so it can’t hurt us any longer. The best part is that we are forgiven as well.

3. Reading the word of God: Psalm 119:11 “Your word I have hidden in my heart, That I might not sin against You.”

By reading the word of God, we are storing up food and water for when we need it. If we hide His word in our heart, we can draw from that foundation when times get tough. We can remember and rely on God’s promises no matter what the circumstances may be.

God has given us all we need to prepare for life’s storms. It’s our job to use those tools to walk through them and come out conquerors.

1 Peter 1:3 “His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue”

The Correction Connection

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I hate that I hate criticism!  I’ve always struggled with this. The smallest of critiques can make my brain shake. I know in my heart it’s ridiculous. I know the truth is that, “Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.” Proverbs 12:1. My head & heart have run laps around this mountain for years, but still I sit here in my office fuming over accusations that are trivial in proper proportion, but just the fact that my proficiency has been questioned makes me crazy. The fact of the matter is that I was not created to be fully proficient at everything anyway. Again, I know that, but this awareness does little to still the maddening quakes of my pride.

I’m not proud of this fact, in fact I’m questioning whether or not I’ll actually allow this post to exit my computer & enter the world of the living. I hate that I am proud. I hate that I have flaws; I want to be perfect after all. The sad truth is that the very desire of my heart to be perfect may be one of the most imperfect things about me. I remember being in the fifth grade & crying myself to sleep every night for two weeks because I got a “B” in Science on my report card. I kept that report card for years. There, lost in the middle of the monument to my “smartness” was a lonely little “B”. I realized a few months ago when I came across it in a drawer that I must be crazy for keeping it for 25 years but more so that I must be crazy that instead of taking pride in the accomplishments evidenced by all of the “A’s” staring back at me, I was ashamed of the lonely “B”. I kept this for all those years as a tribute to my perfectionism. Now I seek to kill my perfectionism & start a new desire for excellence without condemnation. With that, I threw the report card in the garbage can.

Why not start memorializing things that I’m actually proud of? No one really cares about what I got on my 5th grade report card anyway. To be honest, what people think about me doesn’t really matter. Whatever good I do, I should be doing for the Lord and not for men to praise me.

Matthew 6:3 “But when you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4 that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will Himself reward you openly.”

Colossians 3:23 “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men”

My greatest accomplishments are the simplest of things, the way I serve the Lord and my family as a wife & a mother, the way I abandon myself in worship and the moments spent in prayer that no one sees. The biggest mystery of all is that the best things are always born from the times I allow myself to decrease. Upon the death of my pride & my selfish nature, I can begin to live and accomplish great things. So why do I let myself get caught up in the criticism of others when I really desire to change from who I am and be changed into the likeness of Christ? 

I can almost see myself, lying down on the altar ready to present myself as a living sacrifice Romans 12 style, then someone questions my Budget calculations and I start kicking and screaming & hurl myself down from the wood and flames ready to fight and defend my math to prove to everyone that I am capable while God sighs, shakes His head and says “I guess we’ll be revisiting this lesson again”. I’m so glad He’s patient with me. It really is laughable that I waste so much time and energy trying to defend myself, when I have the greatest defender whose only requirement is that I do everything unto Him. He will gladly do the rest.

Lord, help me to acknowledge when my pride is trying to rise up & overthrow the village of my soul. Help me to deal with it quickly and stay right where I’m supposed to be, surrendered on the altar of your grace. There is no better way to live. Let me see that correction makes me better. Let me embrace it with an open heart & a willing Spirit. Help me to discern when it is true & I need to change or when it is silly and I need to ignore it, shake it off and move on. God, let me be so focused on YOU that everything else I do and say will be filtered by Your Spirit, then I won’t blow it.

Birthday thoughts from a mushy mom

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Today joins with others before it as being a day that leaves an impact. It’s a day exploding with meaning. Today my baby boy turns six years old. Just yesterday he was a little bean in my arms wrapped up cozy and close, nestled in that magic place between collarbone, neck & shoulder. Wasn’t it just yesterday when he was taking his first wobbly steps from me to his sister & back again? Time is a mystery.

He’s always been a little reminder that heaven is near and adventure is born in the very heart of God. He is precious and strong. He is a gift. He’s turning into a big boy before my eyes while I watch and absorb the wonder. He’s a ninja and a jedi. He’s a cuddle bug and a knight. He’s energy embodied with an aire of “awesome” mixed in.

My prayer today is that God would continue to shape him into the man he was designed to become. I pray that my husband and I would be aware of every minute given to us as his parents, that we would never take for granted the enormous blessing we have in him & our other children. I pray that we would choose our words wisely, that we would be encouragers, that we would lead him by example with courage and integrity. I pray we never forget to laugh and play and sing and dance around the house like silly goofballs. I pray we will remember to look at the world through his eyes and take in the magic of it all.

Happy Birthday little man!  I love being your mom!

Clarity

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Oh beautiful disaster, the life that once was. Stretched before the faceless masses with bloated heart set to bust. Above the cynic’s laughter, beyond the doubter’s tomb, a small voice sings. Growing louder with each resistance. Brought forth from deep within. Singing wonder of the soul. Blood, sweat and tears collide in rhythm at the sound. All the pain once carried, all the songs once sung, all the moments of abandon lead to now. And everything is clear.

A Day Without Zombies

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I haven’t written much this week, which is unusual for me. I haven’t been able to. It’s not the ideas or inspirations haven’t come. It’s not that the words haven’t rolled through my brain singing “Crazy Train” while plummeting frantically to the caverns of lost thought below. It’s really been a joint effort between life and confusion, each one vying for my time, sucking at my mind with their imbibing tentacles. They long for me. They long to steal away the moments of vision and clarity as they once did. I’m not easily shaken. Not anymore.

This week I’ve realized how truly blessed I’ve become. That seems a strange thought in the midst of the situation that presented itself which I cannot share with you, but trust me, it was a doozy! I realized that I’ve come to a place where problems (real problems) are rare. That is such a miracle since I once lived a life in which problems (real mind blowing, “how much more can I possibly take” problems) were the norm.

Then you sink to uncomfortable numb. Feelings stop so survival can take over. Your heart beats, you breathe but laboriously in an effort to dim the panic. Breathe in, breathe out. Hide the heart another day until maybe it just disappears. Who needs emotion anyway? My place in life is among the zombies, walking dead with no heart (excerpt from poem called Zombie I wrote in 2009)

Now those days have passed and I am alive. No longer the zombie I wrote about in old poems. I am fully awake. I am free.

So this week, though life hit hard, I find myself thankful. I’m not thankful for the circumstances. I’m not thankful for the pain. But I’m thankful that I’ve entered the realm of the living. I’m thankful that I merely have a problem instead of my entire life being fraught with a myriad of problems. I’m thankful that I am confident in the God whose brought me through so much before and will bring my family through this situation with good in store. I’m thankful that no weapon formed against me or my family can ever prosper or succeed. My confidence is in a BIG God.

I’m grateful for the promise of tomorrow, a future and a hope. I’ve always believed and held tightly to that promise. But now, I’m thankful for the promise of TODAY…knowing that God is with me. The creator of the universe holds my hand and loves me deeply, passionately, and furiously. I am overwhelmed by the wonder of it. I am captured by the enormity of its effects. It leaves me breathless. 

Today I am fully alive. 

 

Meet Petunia

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image

This little flower encourages me every day.  It’s a mexican petunia.  Every night it loses all it’s flowers & every morning it blooms again.  It’s my little reminder that God’s mercies are new every morning.

Good Morning

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The sun is higher in the sky now. The grass is glistening like a crystal blanket covered by the dew brought to sustain it. The birds sing their cheerful melodies. In harmony with one another, they dance across the sky to their own serenade.

The squirrels are always busy. They find their joy in the simplicity of the scurry. They race back and forth awaiting the prize of a morsel nestled somewhere in the dirt like a long sought after treasure…the scurrying pirates of the yard. ARRGH!

The trees barely move at the gentle prodding of the wind.

The wind is apparently exhausted after the storms of the past few days and is taking the morning off. It has carried away with it all of the clouds, leaving the sky a pale shade of vibrant blue with no obstructions left to block its exhibition.

The morning is alive all around me as I sit at my window with my coffee.  All I can do is smile.