Blurs are often ended with the bluntness of a break. A single straw that interrupts the momentum long enough for sanity to creep in and remind me that I am more than this.
In the quest for perfection, I lost sight of the adventure. In the race towards better, I steadily slipped into worse. In the pursuit of holiness, I forgot to trust in grace. Somewhere in between it all, I stopped breathing. I lost myself when I quit looking.
Today, I’m thankful for the straw. Small fractals of light that shine through offense, wake me from my hypnotism. Freedom often comes when I least expect it. Thank you straw man! Lord, please block my path when I get stuck on auto-pilot.
PHOTOGRAPH BY LIONEL BROWN, GETTY IMAGES
You’re like lightning. You come in flashes that light the whole world with beauty. With each strike, you rejuvenate and enrich the soil. You bring with you hope and the promise of rain. But in the end, I know you’ll hurt me if i get too close.
It’s all been a whirlwind. I’m sure you’ve been there, when life creeps in and steals…well, the life right out of you. Then suddenly I realize in the midst of the grind, the day to day, the chaos, that I don’t have to allow it all to get the best of me. I can choose to stop even when the madness doesn’t. I get the privilege of deciding what warrants immediate attention and what can wait. I get to decide that I’m important too.
I think mothers are so easily susceptible to what I’ll call the squishing. The systematic pressing down of oneself in favor of those you love and/or those who scream the loudest. Then suddenly, the music stops, the writing ceases in lieu of more pressing priorities. All that was placed in you by the creator is shelved for another time…a seemingly mythic day when there’s quiet, though you know the heart will cry when quiet comes because they have grown and you may have missed something.
I think at the end of the day, we can have it all. We can treasure the moments of motherhood, maintain some measure of order and cleanliness, actually shower, and still be us. I know, I know, sounds too good to be true. I still believe that God placed treasure in earthen vessels and that He never gives us a load too difficult for us to bear. We may need to exercise our faith muscles. We may need to work diligently to find balance. We may need to learn to say no or ask for help but it may be worth it.
Today, I’m making a resolution that I will make myself make time. I will read. I will write. I will sing. I will play. Yes, I’ll still clean and nurse and nurture and teach but I will make the time to be me. The world will be a better place and I will be a better version of myself. Today, I’m determined.
Though I’ve been missing in action for a while, I’m coming back to life, one decision at a time and I shouldn’t have to miss me much longer.
The day draws close to an end and I feel pulled to page to open up the release valve and let it all go. Lately, I’ve filled the well with other things and stopped the flow of words. The difference in me is palpable. Tonight I’ve decided to dig. The sound of shovel moving earth resonates hope to my dry heart. I’ve been hiding under there too long.
Seasons pass swift and furious without effort and I often leave myself behind sucking dust. Life isn’t found in the motions but rather in the movement. Spirit and soul drawn into deep breath moving me from who I’ve been to who I am. The lioness awakening, drinking deep.
Tonight, as the earth moves, I’m closer to the spring from which the water begins to rise. Tonight, I’m a little closer to living and maybe that’s what matters.
Rest, weary eyes, I’ll keep watch
Breathe in deep while I listen
Among the noise, tune into the sound of my voice, carrying you high above the chaos to a place of freedom
Too mired you’ve been in the temporal
Mud sticking to your shoes reminding you who you were, ash formed into beauty
I see you lovely.
Awake among the leaves and learn to fly
Today slips into tomorrow with blinking eyes. My heart lies heavy in my chest too fragile in the wake of a long weekend. I know in this stillness, you are faithful. I trust in the aftermath, that you will gently hold me up high above the fray. I remain thankful.
Photo credit: Arthur Rothstein, A young boy in dust storm, Oklahoma, 1936 PBS
“Awake and sing, you who dwell in dust” Isaiah 26:19
The dust hangs heavy in the air, swirling around hiding the light with haze.
It’s easy to become lost in the chaos, caught up as the torrent of fear flows by, catching us unaware, unprepared.
It’s easy to break and stumble. It’s easy to give in and crumble as the mud starts to cake, heavy, on our skin. We become a sculpture of something else, a figure we never expected to be.
The mirror betrays us. We can’t recognize the person staring back, glass eyes, with fire dimmed to ember.
But there’s a song, a melody resounding above the thickness and our eyes suddenly open to the wonder.
Open your mouth and sing along. Let praise emanate from within. Let it cleanse the air with the sweetness of Spirit. Let it wash the skin and mind with life.
Sing of His greatness, hear Him call you by name, and know that nothing else matters. He sees, He hears, and He adores you.
Figure of dust, know that you are a treasure, transformed by love song into beauty.