freedom

Sometimes I wonder

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

Who am I’m in the battle for my life?

When the dust clears?

When tomorrow fades into today?

When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?

Can I continue in the fallout?

Am I enough to face the repercussions?

Is today the last of the real me?

Or can I rise?

I don’t know.

But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.

That’s worth something right?!?

I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.

Is that dark or brave?

I don’t know anymore.

When I was a human…

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I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.

Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.

I’m not a human anymore.

Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.

Humanity can be the absence of humanity…

The me, alone with me.

And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.

Hold your breathe.

Vacuum

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If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?

I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future

I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today

It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow

Because my life is on hold for now

And nothing can change that.

So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.

I hope and pray for better days.

And I know they will come because I have faith…

But it doesn’t undo the hard things.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.

I’m just spitballing in a world lost.

But maybe that’s enough.

I’ll keep you posted.

Walking between the worlds

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I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide

And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me

And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody

When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain

Because, once I was a girl,….

Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer

And I wonder if I’m strong enough.

Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.

Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.

Bring your A-game!

Tomorrow maybe

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If everything were up to today, would I be proud?

Or would I cower?

I guess that’s the question in the dark hours of the night.

Did today leave legacy for tomorrow?

Can I count today when I was sick and sleeping, as a day that counted?

Probably not.

I want to be present when the light touches Earth.

I want to feel the wind.

I want to be made for greatness.

But, stomach flu and life hits hard sometimes and I can’t be human.

But maybe that’s enough…?

I don’t know how to reconcile a day in bed with a life meant for purpose.

But God!

Still, tomorrow is looming on the horizon. And that’s enough for me to close my eyes and dream of better days.

Tomorrow is such a great promise!

I pray I won’t waste it!

Can we go back?

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Can we go back?

To the days we were nothing and nothing mattered.

To the moments when you and I were not thinking so much.

To the moments when here and now was bigger.

I feel a song coming on…

And I know you don’t want to be subject matter.

But I write in the dark when I’m alone with me and you’ve been gone.

And I write because it helps, so forgive me.

This will be a number one hit someday and you can take it all away as being the one I wrote about.

But tonight, I’m alone writing songs in the dark.

And maybe that’s best.

Tomorrow, maybe I’ll sing a love song.

Just sayin’

Once upon a time

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In days past I could stand tall

Against the world

Against the noise

And the bleating and the chaos was a calm normal in the wake

Though it never should have been

And now the rust settles to decay

And I stand anyway

Because that’s what it means to be in the realm of the real

So feeling you gone doesn’t hurt like it should

And I know I should find my emotions

But I laughed today, hard, until tears flowed with my ten-year-old

And that’s enough to keep me going

Maybe we should measure better

Maybe the laughter should be our compass

I love deeply despite the hurt and I move on despite the pain and now I’m me alone against the void

And maybe that’s best.

The Harder Things

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I used to try to prevent the hard things.

I used to try and make it all okay with extra work and a swing of my magic sword of indifference and strength combined.

Now I’m learning to lean in.

In the hard things, hope comes from strange places.

In the hard things, we realize there is more than this moment…more than us.

There is a God who provides!

I tend to minimize the thing’s happening in my life.

I tend to act like it’s all fine (when it is not).

But I’m truly grateful!

Because there’s a God who sees it all and is faithful to me no matter what!

And I’m willing to fight through the day, despite the pain, knowing He’s there to hold me up on the other side.

Lean in!

Don’t be afraid!

He’s got you and me and all the broken pieces and a million hearts searching.

Because he’s big enough!

That’s enough for me!

On Nights When I Am Broken

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Darkness has a funny way of trying to creep into lit spaces.

And I see it coming and light candles and try to combat the impact.

But sometimes, I am fighting enemies that were too long my friends.

Sometimes, I’m comfortably numb.

Sometimes, I want to hurt until I cry to prove I’m still human.

Sometimes , I want to hide.

Sometimes, I wish I were dust that would vanish with a good amount of deep cleaning.

But I think the air is most thin when we don’t open up.

When the vacuum of our silence has stolen so much.

And sometimes, when the air creeps in and we feel exposed, we bleed.

But blood once paid for everything so maybe it’s okay to feel the pain.

Tonight, I’m just praying for a warm pillow and sleep where the comforter finds me.

And tomorrow…I will breathe again…that’s life in the land of the living.

Sweet dreams, baby! Get up and roar!

When the mirror finds you

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I’ve been going through some stuff.

It’s heavy.

But tonight I found myself on the elliptical running out the problems of today and I wonder

What if the mirror has been lying?

What if the me I want isn’t hiding in the shadows of the me I was?

What if all my striving wasn’t meant to make me whole?

What if us and everything together isn’t the goal?

Maybe there’s more behind the veil.

Maybe something good can come from this beautiful mess.

So I surrender to the night and shower away the pain of today and find hope and healing in a God who never fails.

And, I realize none of this makes sense.

But to the ones hurting, tonight can be a light if we let it.

Tomorrow can bring hope regardless of the night before.

Fight on dear friends. You have greatness in you!

Find the light even when the mirror tells you otherwise.