I walk through worlds apart sometimes. Laundry and dinner and dishes and longings of the soul simultaneously. And I’m cool with it. Maybe the worlds collide at the most integral moments and make up who we are meant to be. That’s where the beauty rests. At the intersection of laundry and scripture and existential thoughts on reality. Maybe God meets us in the moments of laundry and calls it lovely! I once wrote a song while putting away laundry that I sang for years in church and prison ministry that I believe impacted others. Maybe laundry is the key. Maybe I can be used of God while cleaning underwear and socks. That’s the beauty right?!? Jesus washed feet. He served. I long for the day when those with platforms beautify cleaning socks and those without realize the beauty of laundry. Just sayin’
God
Life
When living decides it has had enough and it’s you and death against the barricade
And time stands still for no one
And the clock ticks for everyone
And you cry for different choices
And you hope for different voices
And you scream when the time is out
And you cry wondering if it could be different
Then you realize moments matter
And you breathe again or hold in the tears. Neither seems adequate
Perspective from a kid on a log to a woman on a tree
I once sat among the trees staring life into the branches
Singing harmonies with the heavens
Holding court with the trunks
I once sat in the heavens though my feet touched earth
And I counted the ways the fireflies lit the night
I found respite in the angles of the starlight
Then I broke
But today I’m not broken and my feet can feel the branches and the things that once splintered seem to bring hope
That’s the way it is when God reaches down to the hearts of men.
So dance and sing winds and I will play along and breathe melody into creation all around.
Because I am not who I was; I’m who I’m meant to be and undoubtedly that’s enough for me
I walk through tomorrow
If I could hold the thread of yesterday and pull
What would I be in the coming light?
Jesus, be the name ever on my lips.
If I could serenade the heavens and feel the clock of time awaiting…
Would I sing louder!
Would I wait until the moments of glory passed?
Because it’s the mundane that makes a human
It’s the everyday devotion
It’s the life unspoken
It’s who we are at the core. let me be, at the core, someone who reveals your glory.
Jesus, be the name ever on my lips.
Thinking for no reason …
I’m up past my bedtime and I’m thinking of so many random things. How I used to sing loud and now I hold back. How my years of church drew me to study the Bible more closely and the treasure I’ve found for myself! Life can beat you down yet deep calls unto deep. So I’m here tonight calling to the deep, reliving who I was and praising God for who I am. The overwhelming theme is that He has been so faithful to me!!! Words can’t contain his faithfulness. Volumes could be written then unwritten , constructed and reconstructed, and they couldn’t contain his faithfulness. I keep hearing (from various sources) that we should do the last thing God called us to do before moving forward. The last thing I know he told me to do was write and I’ve been stuck. Not because he hasn’t been great, but because I’ve been hesitant to say it all. I don’t know why. I guess it’s partly that I wonder if anyone would resonate with my story and partly the shame of the details (though I have nothing to hide). Still, if deep has a name, I want to meet him. I want to fall headlong into the space between myself and who he is! He is worthy! If only you could know what I’ve seen and experienced. So I will try to tell my story. I will throw it into the void. Be patient with me. I will sing loud again. I will find myself amid the noise.
Side note, “Amid” was the title of one of my first tracks. The circle continues I suppose. 🤣 I guess that’s part of the beauty. Stay tuned…
Just thinking…
God of the infinite ages, you see me
You find me here
You have always been
You will always be
Yet, you see me.
The depths sing your praises
The harmonies of creation cry out
And somewhere in the symphony of heaven, you hear me chime in.
A squeak
A song
A note
An utterance through the noise of it all
I’m a speck of dust in the wind
Yet I perk your ears to listen and you still call me a friend.
These are the things that write the words unfathomable.
Moments of time when dust calls to infinite and I am undone.
If I were a song,
I would call to the heavens and search for your voice
If I were me in the moments I don’t know who I am, I would search for your words because you speak them over me daily.
Who am I that the highest king would see me?
I am the dust bowl embodied, yet you reach for me
And I bow down and revel in your faithfulness because if anyone knew who you are, and what I’ve been through, and who you are to me now, they wouldn’t be able to comprehend…
So I rest my head tonight
Because I know
And that’s enough!
On Faithfulness, Dreams, Ghost Boats and Grandfathers
I had a recurring dream for years when I was a child. It was always the same. I was on a small boat in the middle of the ocean with my grandfather. For context, my grandfather passed away before my second birthday, so I don’t really remember him. I do have a memory that is surreal and, honestly, a little crazy, of him holding me when I was a baby. I remember looking at his face and him smiling back at me and that’s it. So, add that to the fact that I was raised in Southern Ohio, nowhere even remotely close to an ocean, and this dream is just strange. I never did understand it. We’re on a boat and a storm is raging all around us, and he smiles and tells me it’s going to be okay. End scene.
I’m not a therapist, but I would imagine that my subconscious self has conflated my grandpa with security or even possibly, a representation of God in my psyche. I can so vividly remember that boat, those waves, the look on his face…
I didn’t realize back then that my life would be as turbulent as it has been. I didn’t know how many storms I would end up encountering, but I do know that regardless of the obstacles and challenges I’ve faced, I’m okay. God has provided for me time and time again, when I couldn’t see the shoreline anymore. When I’ve been in deep waters, quoting Dory to myself on repeat, (“just keep swimming”) he didn’t even ask me to swim, he held me in his hands and kept my head above water.
Don’t misunderstand, some of the time, I was convinced I was going to drown. I made so many mistakes flailing and clawing for the surface. I’m sure I’ll have some moments of similar humiliation again. But those are moments that form us. Those are the moments we look back on and see the changes he’s so skillfully wrought in us and the grace he’s so faithfully extended.
I didn’t know my grandpa, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to ride on the waves and see his face in my dreams. I know the one who can make the waves stand still and he’s called me out of the boat time and time again. I’ve walked, I’ve sunk like a stone, but the only thing that matters is, I get to see his face some day. In the meantime, he’s faithful all the time!!!
If I could go back
I don’t know that I would
I don’t know that my yesterday would yield a return.
I might be happy to be the me that I am.
I might wish for the dreams I once cherished.
I might want to be someone else but I don’t think so.
I am me.
The living.
The breathing
The survivor
The conqueror
The warrior
The singer
The writer
I am the culmination of the me I was born to be
And I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow but that doesn’t stop me from being grateful for today.
Because today is beautiful
On Bible Reading, Gratefulness, and Satisfaction
I used to peck and claw at strings and straw hoping to find sustenance
All the while knowing that truth lay in a book on a table in my living room
Every time I open it, I am filled another day
That is the nature of satisfaction
It may take effort but is only found when we reach for the right source
Thankfully, that source reaches for us too
That, in itself, is enough reason to keep going and to be grateful
I am profoundly grateful!
Fences
We recently moved to a new home in a new state. I say to myself that we needed a fresh start, a new beginning. While that’s true, I don’t think we ever start completely fresh. We bring with us the experiences and the lessons learned through hard-fought battles, victories won through many tears, strengths gained by learning to stop relying on our own strength to save us. I wouldn’t trade the struggle in for a different story. My story is beautiful. In every chapter, there was purpose. But, that’s not really the point of this story.
One thing I’ve grown to love about our new home is the fence in my backyard. It may sound silly, but I have dogs who, historically, have been prone to wander. They are notorious for finding that one moment when the door isn’t quite closed all the way and they find opportunity to escape and go on an adventure that forces us to comb the neighborhood, worried sick, trying to find them. I used to agonize about this. I beat myself up repeatedly because what responsible dog owner could allow this to happen? Why couldn’t I successfully train my children and my husband to double check the door when they go in or out? Why couldn’t I train my dogs to behave properly? I know I’m not the only one with this problem as I see all of the “lost pet finder posts” on social media. Still, I always felt so guilty when they would pull a fast one and find the one area of weakness and exploit it into an escapade through the neighborhood.
Now, we finally have a fenced in backyard where they can run and play. It’s a gift! Still, I have to watch for the weak spots. Once they tried to dig underneath the fence and only succeeded in coating themselves in red clay dirt. Once, the gate blew open and I found them in the front yard, outside the safety of their perimeter. (At least they didn’t run for it.) Once, after a wind storm, a plank in the fence had broken loose and was leaning over exposing the neighbor’s yard behind us. It was his fence and he repaired it promptly.
The thing about fences is they have to be maintained.
I can be a lot like my dogs. I am prone to wander from the safety and security of a life hidden in Christ. He’s given me everything I need. He is altogether sufficient. Yet, I’m so often like the old hymn describes,
“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.”
I’m not talking about fences that keep us captive like a prisoner or walls we’ve built around our hearts to keep others (or even God) out. The fence in my yard protects my dogs. It keeps them safe. It keeps them home so they can have water, food, shelter, provision, and love. It gives them the freedom to run and play and enjoy life, without danger. The fences I build in my spiritual life offer protection for me as well. I have learned that I don’t need anything apart from Christ. My heart is safe with him. When I discipline myself to guard my heart as scripture teaches (Proverbs 4:23), I can safely trust in him.
Fences require maintenance. The planks will sometimes need to be reinforced occasionally like my neighbor’s loose board that broke away. There are gaps that sneak up on us when we’re not paying attention. Lack of attention and maintenance allows decay. My spiritual life will not magically improve without nurture and care. I have learned to be committed and intentional about nurturing my relationship with God. I’m learning to discipline myself to read the Bible consistently, to spend time in prayer, to commune with the Father daily. I’m learning to keep an eye on my fences, to be conscientious about what I watch, what I listen to, what I read. I’m learning to be mindful, to realize when I’m being distracted from the things that actually matter. I’m learning to guard my time, to guard my heart.
A fence can be a beautiful thing.
