hope

Can we go back?

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Can we go back?

To the days we were nothing and nothing mattered.

To the moments when you and I were not thinking so much.

To the moments when here and now was bigger.

I feel a song coming on…

And I know you don’t want to be subject matter.

But I write in the dark when I’m alone with me and you’ve been gone.

And I write because it helps, so forgive me.

This will be a number one hit someday and you can take it all away as being the one I wrote about.

But tonight, I’m alone writing songs in the dark.

And maybe that’s best.

Tomorrow, maybe I’ll sing a love song.

Just sayin’

Current status…

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Words fall from trees like leaves hurdling into fall. And I thought they were my friends until they betrayed me.

Then suddenly words don’t matter any more and I fall apart because I need them to make sense of the chaos.

So I sing loud anthems into the dark.

And I cry tears that fall lonely.

And I wait for peace that will come if I’m patient…but I’m not.

So hello today, can we talk about tomorrow?

Once upon a time

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In days past I could stand tall

Against the world

Against the noise

And the bleating and the chaos was a calm normal in the wake

Though it never should have been

And now the rust settles to decay

And I stand anyway

Because that’s what it means to be in the realm of the real

So feeling you gone doesn’t hurt like it should

And I know I should find my emotions

But I laughed today, hard, until tears flowed with my ten-year-old

And that’s enough to keep me going

Maybe we should measure better

Maybe the laughter should be our compass

I love deeply despite the hurt and I move on despite the pain and now I’m me alone against the void

And maybe that’s best.

The Harder Things

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I used to try to prevent the hard things.

I used to try and make it all okay with extra work and a swing of my magic sword of indifference and strength combined.

Now I’m learning to lean in.

In the hard things, hope comes from strange places.

In the hard things, we realize there is more than this moment…more than us.

There is a God who provides!

I tend to minimize the thing’s happening in my life.

I tend to act like it’s all fine (when it is not).

But I’m truly grateful!

Because there’s a God who sees it all and is faithful to me no matter what!

And I’m willing to fight through the day, despite the pain, knowing He’s there to hold me up on the other side.

Lean in!

Don’t be afraid!

He’s got you and me and all the broken pieces and a million hearts searching.

Because he’s big enough!

That’s enough for me!

On Nights When I Am Broken

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Darkness has a funny way of trying to creep into lit spaces.

And I see it coming and light candles and try to combat the impact.

But sometimes, I am fighting enemies that were too long my friends.

Sometimes, I’m comfortably numb.

Sometimes, I want to hurt until I cry to prove I’m still human.

Sometimes , I want to hide.

Sometimes, I wish I were dust that would vanish with a good amount of deep cleaning.

But I think the air is most thin when we don’t open up.

When the vacuum of our silence has stolen so much.

And sometimes, when the air creeps in and we feel exposed, we bleed.

But blood once paid for everything so maybe it’s okay to feel the pain.

Tonight, I’m just praying for a warm pillow and sleep where the comforter finds me.

And tomorrow…I will breathe again…that’s life in the land of the living.

Sweet dreams, baby! Get up and roar!

When the mirror finds you

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I’ve been going through some stuff.

It’s heavy.

But tonight I found myself on the elliptical running out the problems of today and I wonder

What if the mirror has been lying?

What if the me I want isn’t hiding in the shadows of the me I was?

What if all my striving wasn’t meant to make me whole?

What if us and everything together isn’t the goal?

Maybe there’s more behind the veil.

Maybe something good can come from this beautiful mess.

So I surrender to the night and shower away the pain of today and find hope and healing in a God who never fails.

And, I realize none of this makes sense.

But to the ones hurting, tonight can be a light if we let it.

Tomorrow can bring hope regardless of the night before.

Fight on dear friends. You have greatness in you!

Find the light even when the mirror tells you otherwise.

Breaking

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I won’t break!

I might…

I won’t look for answers in the void

Or I will…

Either way, I’m okay.

Because sometimes that’s how I realize who I am

And sometimes that’s enough.

Nighttime

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When the world crashes down, make sure to bring a straw

Something you can hang above the landslide to catch your breath.

I’ve learned the importance of a hundred straws

And I’ve grappled with the soil countless times

Yet, my anchor still holds.

Struggling and wriggling beneath the weight is real

And they don’t send you instructions or preparatory warnings

It’s you and God and the thread attached to the anchor that holds.

So dive deep when the oxygen tank is close to empty and find the miracle

Because it’s waiting.

He never fails!

I do

But even when I do, He’s enough!

So I dig into the soil and find the gold in the midst of the muck and mire.

And I’ll be better tomorrow…

One time…

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One time, there was a girl who was afraid.

She wrestled with her fear.

She thought if she gave it voice it would consume her.

She thought if she showed weakness, the weakness would swallow her.

She thought if she were better, she wouldn’t find herself here.

She thought if she were better everything would be okay.

Then the world caved in

She had to realize it wasn’t about her at all

She had to realize that in the pain and brokenness, Jesus would still see her, meet her, find her.

And He did! And it’s okay. And brokenness can lead to healing. And pain can lead to triumph and all the things.

And maybe, just maybe, that can be her story.

I am she, and this is now, and my brokenness today led to beauty. So there’s that…

Messy me

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I am a mess, woven in clay, wrapped up in yarn, and presented to the world.

You may see me strung or unstrung, strong or weak

Flesh and bone or fierce.

With every thread I hang on to the maker of the tapestry.

Because that’s all that matters.

Broken and fragmented, waiting for the hands of the sculptor.

And it isn’t weak to wait.

Bravery stands at the edge of a precipice and waits for instruction before flying.

Bravery is being willing to rest at the feet of something greater and be still.

So here I am Lord, use me however.

Bravery is being fully yours!