keep going

Just thinking…

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

God of the infinite ages, you see me

You find me here

You have always been

You will always be

Yet, you see me.

The depths sing your praises

The harmonies of creation cry out

And somewhere in the symphony of heaven, you hear me chime in.

A squeak

A song

A note

An utterance through the noise of it all

I’m a speck of dust in the wind

Yet I perk your ears to listen and you still call me a friend.

These are the things that write the words unfathomable.

Moments of time when dust calls to infinite and I am undone.

If I were a song,

I would call to the heavens and search for your voice

If I were me in the moments I don’t know who I am, I would search for your words because you speak them over me daily.

Who am I that the highest king would see me?

I am the dust bowl embodied, yet you reach for me

And I bow down and revel in your faithfulness because if anyone knew who you are, and what I’ve been through, and who you are to me now, they wouldn’t be able to comprehend…

So I rest my head tonight

Because I know

And that’s enough!

Sometimes I wonder

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

Who am I’m in the battle for my life?

When the dust clears?

When tomorrow fades into today?

When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?

Can I continue in the fallout?

Am I enough to face the repercussions?

Is today the last of the real me?

Or can I rise?

I don’t know.

But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.

That’s worth something right?!?

I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.

Is that dark or brave?

I don’t know anymore.

When I was a human…

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.

Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.

I’m not a human anymore.

Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.

Humanity can be the absence of humanity…

The me, alone with me.

And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.

Hold your breathe.

Vacuum

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If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?

I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future

I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today

It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow

Because my life is on hold for now

And nothing can change that.

So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.

I hope and pray for better days.

And I know they will come because I have faith…

But it doesn’t undo the hard things.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.

I’m just spitballing in a world lost.

But maybe that’s enough.

I’ll keep you posted.

Walking between the worlds

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I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide

And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me

And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody

When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain

Because, once I was a girl,….

Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer

And I wonder if I’m strong enough.

Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.

Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.

Bring your A-game!

Tomorrow maybe

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

If everything were up to today, would I be proud?

Or would I cower?

I guess that’s the question in the dark hours of the night.

Did today leave legacy for tomorrow?

Can I count today when I was sick and sleeping, as a day that counted?

Probably not.

I want to be present when the light touches Earth.

I want to feel the wind.

I want to be made for greatness.

But, stomach flu and life hits hard sometimes and I can’t be human.

But maybe that’s enough…?

I don’t know how to reconcile a day in bed with a life meant for purpose.

But God!

Still, tomorrow is looming on the horizon. And that’s enough for me to close my eyes and dream of better days.

Tomorrow is such a great promise!

I pray I won’t waste it!

Can we go back?

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Can we go back?

To the days we were nothing and nothing mattered.

To the moments when you and I were not thinking so much.

To the moments when here and now was bigger.

I feel a song coming on…

And I know you don’t want to be subject matter.

But I write in the dark when I’m alone with me and you’ve been gone.

And I write because it helps, so forgive me.

This will be a number one hit someday and you can take it all away as being the one I wrote about.

But tonight, I’m alone writing songs in the dark.

And maybe that’s best.

Tomorrow, maybe I’ll sing a love song.

Just sayin’

Current status…

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Words fall from trees like leaves hurdling into fall. And I thought they were my friends until they betrayed me.

Then suddenly words don’t matter any more and I fall apart because I need them to make sense of the chaos.

So I sing loud anthems into the dark.

And I cry tears that fall lonely.

And I wait for peace that will come if I’m patient…but I’m not.

So hello today, can we talk about tomorrow?

Once upon a time

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In days past I could stand tall

Against the world

Against the noise

And the bleating and the chaos was a calm normal in the wake

Though it never should have been

And now the rust settles to decay

And I stand anyway

Because that’s what it means to be in the realm of the real

So feeling you gone doesn’t hurt like it should

And I know I should find my emotions

But I laughed today, hard, until tears flowed with my ten-year-old

And that’s enough to keep me going

Maybe we should measure better

Maybe the laughter should be our compass

I love deeply despite the hurt and I move on despite the pain and now I’m me alone against the void

And maybe that’s best.

The Harder Things

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I used to try to prevent the hard things.

I used to try and make it all okay with extra work and a swing of my magic sword of indifference and strength combined.

Now I’m learning to lean in.

In the hard things, hope comes from strange places.

In the hard things, we realize there is more than this moment…more than us.

There is a God who provides!

I tend to minimize the thing’s happening in my life.

I tend to act like it’s all fine (when it is not).

But I’m truly grateful!

Because there’s a God who sees it all and is faithful to me no matter what!

And I’m willing to fight through the day, despite the pain, knowing He’s there to hold me up on the other side.

Lean in!

Don’t be afraid!

He’s got you and me and all the broken pieces and a million hearts searching.

Because he’s big enough!

That’s enough for me!