A Curious Case of the Shoulds

In a random conversation with my son a few days ago, I was faced with a truth hidden behind imaginary walls I’ve erected in my own mind. He told me that I always say, “I should do that.” There are many examples of what “that” is. It could be writing more, or playing my guitar more often, or finishing up a sewing project, or crocheting that blanket, or finishing that course, or starting that business venture. The list goes on, while I sit still. I’m good at the “shoulds” but not so good at the follow-thru.

I was scrolling through obituaries earlier today and thinking of people I’ve known who recently passed on from this adventure we call life. Some leave great legacies about their accomplishments in business or their many travels around the world. Some leave tributes about how they loved and cared for their families. Some even leave quotes about their favorite beer (I literally saw that listed in an obituary today.) I don’t want the dash on my tombstone to be marked by any one thing or by a listing of accomplishment or greatness. I want the years my dash represents to be marked by a dedication to God and the things that matter. I want to make a difference somehow in the void not a blip in an obituary column that will be forgotten.

The past couple weeks, I’ve been rereading the Lord of the Rings trilogy and “nerding out” completely. Tolkien was a genius! He left his mark not only in the masterpieces he created that live on so vividly today, but he was also instrumental in C.S. Lewis’s conversion to Christianity. Lewis as we know then became one of the most prolific Christian figures in literature and religion of our time. Tolkien’s dash indelibly etches it’s trace into forever.

I don’t know what it is that leaves me stranded in the forest of the shoulds but I am determined to find a path out. One foot in front of the other, I choose to step forward and take action. Distractions will surely attempt to sway me from the pathway. Busyness will come and scream in my ear that I should be doing something else. Fear and insecurity will most definitely rear their wicked heads to keep me stuck in the fray. They are my biggest enemies.

Still sometimes I think that the biggest victories are achieved, not by fell strokes of force, but by the active and adamant action of one foot in front of the other. So if you’re looking for me, dear friend, I’ll be here practicing the simple art of walking until I’m finally living.

Perspective from a kid on a log to a woman on a tree

I once sat among the trees staring life into the branches

Singing harmonies with the heavens

Holding court with the trunks

I once sat in the heavens though my feet touched earth

And I counted the ways the fireflies lit the night

I found respite in the angles of the starlight

Then I broke

But today I’m not broken and my feet can feel the branches and the things that once splintered seem to bring hope

That’s the way it is when God reaches down to the hearts of men.

So dance and sing winds and I will play along and breathe melody into creation all around.

Because I am not who I was; I’m who I’m meant to be and undoubtedly that’s enough for me

I walk through tomorrow

If I could hold the thread of yesterday and pull

What would I be in the coming light?

Jesus, be the name ever on my lips.

If I could serenade the heavens and feel the clock of time awaiting…

Would I sing louder!

Would I wait until the moments of glory passed?

Because it’s the mundane that makes a human

It’s the everyday devotion

It’s the life unspoken

It’s who we are at the core. let me be, at the core, someone who reveals your glory.

Jesus, be the name ever on my lips.

Thinking for no reason …

I’m up past my bedtime and I’m thinking of so many random things. How I used to sing loud and now I hold back. How my years of church drew me to study the Bible more closely and the treasure I’ve found for myself! Life can beat you down yet deep calls unto deep. So I’m here tonight calling to the deep, reliving who I was and praising God for who I am. The overwhelming theme is that He has been so faithful to me!!! Words can’t contain his faithfulness. Volumes could be written then unwritten , constructed and reconstructed, and they couldn’t contain his faithfulness. I keep hearing (from various sources) that we should do the last thing God called us to do before moving forward. The last thing I know he told me to do was write and I’ve been stuck. Not because he hasn’t been great, but because I’ve been hesitant to say it all. I don’t know why. I guess it’s partly that I wonder if anyone would resonate with my story and partly the shame of the details (though I have nothing to hide). Still, if deep has a name, I want to meet him. I want to fall headlong into the space between myself and who he is! He is worthy! If only you could know what I’ve seen and experienced. So I will try to tell my story. I will throw it into the void. Be patient with me. I will sing loud again. I will find myself amid the noise. 

Side note, “Amid” was the title of one of my first tracks. The circle continues I suppose. 🤣 I guess that’s part of the beauty. Stay tuned…

Just thinking…

God of the infinite ages, you see me

You find me here

You have always been

You will always be

Yet, you see me.

The depths sing your praises

The harmonies of creation cry out

And somewhere in the symphony of heaven, you hear me chime in.

A squeak

A song

A note

An utterance through the noise of it all

I’m a speck of dust in the wind

Yet I perk your ears to listen and you still call me a friend.

These are the things that write the words unfathomable.

Moments of time when dust calls to infinite and I am undone.

If I were a song,

I would call to the heavens and search for your voice

If I were me in the moments I don’t know who I am, I would search for your words because you speak them over me daily.

Who am I that the highest king would see me?

I am the dust bowl embodied, yet you reach for me

And I bow down and revel in your faithfulness because if anyone knew who you are, and what I’ve been through, and who you are to me now, they wouldn’t be able to comprehend…

So I rest my head tonight

Because I know

And that’s enough!

Sometimes I wonder

Who am I’m in the battle for my life?

When the dust clears?

When tomorrow fades into today?

When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?

Can I continue in the fallout?

Am I enough to face the repercussions?

Is today the last of the real me?

Or can I rise?

I don’t know.

But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.

That’s worth something right?!?

I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.

Is that dark or brave?

I don’t know anymore.

When I was a human…

I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.

Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.

I’m not a human anymore.

Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.

Humanity can be the absence of humanity…

The me, alone with me.

And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.

Hold your breathe.

Vacuum

If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?

I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future

I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today

It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow

Because my life is on hold for now

And nothing can change that.

So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.

I hope and pray for better days.

And I know they will come because I have faith…

But it doesn’t undo the hard things.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.

I’m just spitballing in a world lost.

But maybe that’s enough.

I’ll keep you posted.

Walking between the worlds

I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide

And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me

And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody

When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain

Because, once I was a girl,….

Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer

And I wonder if I’m strong enough.

Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.

Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.

Bring your A-game!

Tomorrow maybe

If everything were up to today, would I be proud?

Or would I cower?

I guess that’s the question in the dark hours of the night.

Did today leave legacy for tomorrow?

Can I count today when I was sick and sleeping, as a day that counted?

Probably not.

I want to be present when the light touches Earth.

I want to feel the wind.

I want to be made for greatness.

But, stomach flu and life hits hard sometimes and I can’t be human.

But maybe that’s enough…?

I don’t know how to reconcile a day in bed with a life meant for purpose.

But God!

Still, tomorrow is looming on the horizon. And that’s enough for me to close my eyes and dream of better days.

Tomorrow is such a great promise!

I pray I won’t waste it!