Simply at Peace

The last few years has been a roller coaster. Have you ever had the experience where you feel completely content and at peace and then later it’s like you wake up and you realize that THIS is what peace that passes understanding really feels like? It’s like exhaling breath that’s been held in reserve. The “in case of emergency” oxygen reserve you’ve held on to in case the drowning continues. 

The funny thing about it is that it’s hard to even admit I’m at peace because of the inevitable jinxing fear that will follow. Don’t say anything! Just let it ride…

Yet, here I am, writing it all out in black and white. I throw these words out into the void and feel comfortable doing so. Why? What deluded confidence could possibly make me comfortable daring the void to come at me, Bruh? I’ve lived long enough and endured enough to know that the faithfulness of God is unmatchable, immutable and altogether wonderful! 

I’m sitting in a surgical center while my husband is in surgery. Not exactly the moment that one might expect me to write about unsurpassed peace I suppose, but what better moment is there to revel in the beauty of peace then when circumstances might induce anxiety in others. My husband and I have had some unquestionably rough times. In fact, if you’d asked me three years ago if we’d still be married three years from then, I’d have probably said no. I couldn’t see a way through at that point but by the grace of God. 

Then God said, “let there be light” or some holier version of “hold my beer” and accomplished things that were frankly impossible. Here we are now, still married, still trusting The Lord, still believing for miracles that He still continues to do. 

Simply amazing! I am rambling I realize, but why not ramble while I wait. I’m completely confident that my husband will be fine. I pray he recovers well on the other side. Mostly, I’m thankful that I’m able to sit here in perfect peace. I’m thankful that I can rest in the shadow of his wings no matter where I am, or what is happening around me. 

So accept these, my random thoughts, dear void. I’ll send some more your way soon. Love, Me 

P.S. Hubby’s surgery went perfect! 🙂

On Faithfulness, Dreams, Ghost Boats and Grandfathers

I had a recurring dream for years when I was a child. It was always the same. I was on a small boat in the middle of the ocean with my grandfather. For context, my grandfather passed away before my second birthday, so I don’t really remember him. I do have a memory that is surreal and, honestly, a little crazy, of him holding me when I was a baby. I remember looking at his face and him smiling back at me and that’s it. So, add that to the fact that I was raised in Southern Ohio, nowhere even remotely close to an ocean, and this dream is just strange. I never did understand it. We’re on a boat and a storm is raging all around us, and he smiles and tells me it’s going to be okay. End scene.  

I’m not a therapist, but I would imagine that my subconscious self has conflated my grandpa with security or even possibly, a representation of God in my psyche. I can so vividly remember that boat, those waves, the look on his face… 

I didn’t realize back then that my life would be as turbulent as it has been. I didn’t know how many storms I would end up encountering, but I do know that regardless of the obstacles and challenges I’ve faced, I’m okay. God has provided for me time and time again, when I couldn’t see the shoreline anymore. When I’ve been in deep waters, quoting Dory to myself on repeat, (“just keep swimming”) he didn’t even ask me to swim, he held me in his hands and kept my head above water. 

Don’t misunderstand, some of the time, I was convinced I was going to drown. I made so many mistakes flailing and clawing for the surface. I’m sure I’ll have some moments of similar humiliation again. But those are moments that form us. Those are the moments we look back on and see the changes he’s so skillfully wrought in us and the grace he’s so faithfully extended. 

I didn’t know my grandpa, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to ride on the waves and see his face in my dreams. I know the one who can make the waves stand still and he’s called me out of the boat time and time again. I’ve walked, I’ve sunk like a stone, but the only thing that matters is, I get to see his face some day. In the meantime, he’s faithful all the time!!!

If I could go back

I don’t know that I would

I don’t know that my yesterday would yield a return.

I might be happy to be the me that I am.

I might wish for the dreams I once cherished.

I might want to be someone else but I don’t think so.

I am me.

The living.

The breathing

The survivor

The conqueror

The warrior

The singer

The writer

I am the culmination of the me I was born to be

And I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow but that doesn’t stop me from being grateful for today.

Because today is beautiful

On Bible Reading, Gratefulness, and Satisfaction 

I used to peck and claw at strings and straw hoping to find sustenance

All the while knowing that truth lay in a book on a table in my living room

Every time I open it, I am filled another day 

That is the nature of satisfaction 

It may take effort but is only found when we reach for the right source

Thankfully, that source reaches for us too

That, in itself, is enough reason to keep going and to be grateful 

I am profoundly grateful!

Fences

We recently moved to a new home in a new state. I say to myself that we needed a fresh start, a new beginning. While that’s true, I don’t think we ever start completely fresh. We bring with us the experiences and the lessons learned through hard-fought battles, victories won through many tears, strengths gained by learning to stop relying on our own strength to save us. I wouldn’t trade the struggle in for a different story. My story is beautiful. In every chapter, there was purpose. But, that’s not really the point of this story.

One thing I’ve grown to love about our new home is the fence in my backyard. It may sound silly, but I have dogs who, historically, have been prone to wander. They are notorious for finding that one moment when the door isn’t quite closed all the way and they find opportunity to escape and go on an adventure that forces us to comb the neighborhood, worried sick, trying to find them. I used to agonize about this. I beat myself up repeatedly because what responsible dog owner could allow this to happen? Why couldn’t I successfully train my children and my husband to double check the door when they go in or out? Why couldn’t I train my dogs to behave properly? I know I’m not the only one with this problem as I see all of the “lost pet finder posts” on social media. Still, I always felt so guilty when they would pull a fast one and find the one area of weakness and exploit it into an escapade through the neighborhood.

Now, we finally have a fenced in backyard where they can run and play. It’s a gift! Still, I have to watch for the weak spots. Once they tried to dig underneath the fence and only succeeded in coating themselves in red clay dirt. Once, the gate blew open and I found them in the front yard, outside the safety of their perimeter. (At least they didn’t run for it.) Once, after a wind storm, a plank in the fence had broken loose and was leaning over exposing the neighbor’s yard behind us. It was his fence and he repaired it promptly.

The thing about fences is they have to be maintained.

I can be a lot like my dogs. I am prone to wander from the safety and security of a life hidden in Christ. He’s given me everything I need. He is altogether sufficient. Yet, I’m so often like the old hymn describes,

“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.”

I’m not talking about fences that keep us captive like a prisoner or walls we’ve built around our hearts to keep others (or even God) out. The fence in my yard protects my dogs. It keeps them safe. It keeps them home so they can have water, food, shelter, provision, and love. It gives them the freedom to run and play and enjoy life, without danger. The fences I build in my spiritual life offer protection for me as well. I have learned that I don’t need anything apart from Christ. My heart is safe with him. When I discipline myself to guard my heart as scripture teaches (Proverbs 4:23), I can safely trust in him.

Fences require maintenance. The planks will sometimes need to be reinforced occasionally like my neighbor’s loose board that broke away. There are gaps that sneak up on us when we’re not paying attention. Lack of attention and maintenance allows decay. My spiritual life will not magically improve without nurture and care. I have learned to be committed and intentional about nurturing my relationship with God. I’m learning to discipline myself to read the Bible consistently, to spend time in prayer, to commune with the Father daily. I’m learning to keep an eye on my fences, to be conscientious about what I watch, what I listen to, what I read. I’m learning to be mindful, to realize when I’m being distracted from the things that actually matter. I’m learning to guard my time, to guard my heart.

A fence can be a beautiful thing.

Sometimes I wonder

Who am I’m in the battle for my life?

When the dust clears?

When tomorrow fades into today?

When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?

Can I continue in the fallout?

Am I enough to face the repercussions?

Is today the last of the real me?

Or can I rise?

I don’t know.

But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.

That’s worth something right?!?

I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.

Is that dark or brave?

I don’t know anymore.

When I was a human…

I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.

Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.

I’m not a human anymore.

Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.

Humanity can be the absence of humanity…

The me, alone with me.

And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.

Hold your breathe.

Vacuum

If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?

I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future

I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today

It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow

Because my life is on hold for now

And nothing can change that.

So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.

I hope and pray for better days.

And I know they will come because I have faith…

But it doesn’t undo the hard things.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.

I’m just spitballing in a world lost.

But maybe that’s enough.

I’ll keep you posted.

Walking between the worlds

I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide

And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me

And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody

When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain

Because, once I was a girl,….

Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer

And I wonder if I’m strong enough.

Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.

Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.

Bring your A-game!