I don’t know that I would
I don’t know that my yesterday would yield a return.
I might be happy to be the me that I am.
I might wish for the dreams I once cherished.
I might want to be someone else but I don’t think so.
I am me.
The living.
The breathing
The survivor
The conqueror
The warrior
The singer
The writer
I am the culmination of the me I was born to be
And I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow but that doesn’t stop me from being grateful for today.
Because today is beautiful
I used to peck and claw at strings and straw hoping to find sustenance
All the while knowing that truth lay in a book on a table in my living room
Every time I open it, I am filled another day
That is the nature of satisfaction
It may take effort but is only found when we reach for the right source
Thankfully, that source reaches for us too
That, in itself, is enough reason to keep going and to be grateful
I am profoundly grateful!
Who am I’m in the battle for my life?
When the dust clears?
When tomorrow fades into today?
When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?
Can I continue in the fallout?
Am I enough to face the repercussions?
Is today the last of the real me?
Or can I rise?
I don’t know.
But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.
That’s worth something right?!?
I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.
Is that dark or brave?
I don’t know anymore.
I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.
Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.
I’m not a human anymore.
Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.
Humanity can be the absence of humanity…
The me, alone with me.
And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.
Hold your breathe.
If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?
I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future
I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today
It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow
Because my life is on hold for now
And nothing can change that.
So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.
I hope and pray for better days.
And I know they will come because I have faith…
But it doesn’t undo the hard things.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.
I’m just spitballing in a world lost.
But maybe that’s enough.
I’ll keep you posted.
I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide
And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me
And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody
When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain
Because, once I was a girl,….
Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer
And I wonder if I’m strong enough.
Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.
Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.
Bring your A-game!
If everything were up to today, would I be proud?
Or would I cower?
I guess that’s the question in the dark hours of the night.
Did today leave legacy for tomorrow?
Can I count today when I was sick and sleeping, as a day that counted?
Probably not.
I want to be present when the light touches Earth.
I want to feel the wind.
I want to be made for greatness.
But, stomach flu and life hits hard sometimes and I can’t be human.
But maybe that’s enough…?
I don’t know how to reconcile a day in bed with a life meant for purpose.
But God!
Still, tomorrow is looming on the horizon. And that’s enough for me to close my eyes and dream of better days.
Tomorrow is such a great promise!
I pray I won’t waste it!
Can we go back?
To the days we were nothing and nothing mattered.
To the moments when you and I were not thinking so much.
To the moments when here and now was bigger.
I feel a song coming on…
And I know you don’t want to be subject matter.
But I write in the dark when I’m alone with me and you’ve been gone.
And I write because it helps, so forgive me.
This will be a number one hit someday and you can take it all away as being the one I wrote about.
But tonight, I’m alone writing songs in the dark.
And maybe that’s best.
Tomorrow, maybe I’ll sing a love song.
Just sayin’
Words fall from trees like leaves hurdling into fall. And I thought they were my friends until they betrayed me.
Then suddenly words don’t matter any more and I fall apart because I need them to make sense of the chaos.
So I sing loud anthems into the dark.
And I cry tears that fall lonely.
And I wait for peace that will come if I’m patient…but I’m not.
So hello today, can we talk about tomorrow?
INSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER 