On Bible Reading, Gratefulness, and Satisfaction 

I used to peck and claw at strings and straw hoping to find sustenance

All the while knowing that truth lay in a book on a table in my living room

Every time I open it, I am filled another day 

That is the nature of satisfaction 

It may take effort but is only found when we reach for the right source

Thankfully, that source reaches for us too

That, in itself, is enough reason to keep going and to be grateful 

I am profoundly grateful!

Fences

We recently moved to a new home in a new state. I say to myself that we needed a fresh start, a new beginning. While that’s true, I don’t think we ever start completely fresh. We bring with us the experiences and the lessons learned through hard-fought battles, victories won through many tears, strengths gained by learning to stop relying on our own strength to save us. I wouldn’t trade the struggle in for a different story. My story is beautiful. In every chapter, there was purpose. But, that’s not really the point of this story.

One thing I’ve grown to love about our new home is the fence in my backyard. It may sound silly, but I have dogs who, historically, have been prone to wander. They are notorious for finding that one moment when the door isn’t quite closed all the way and they find opportunity to escape and go on an adventure that forces us to comb the neighborhood, worried sick, trying to find them. I used to agonize about this. I beat myself up repeatedly because what responsible dog owner could allow this to happen? Why couldn’t I successfully train my children and my husband to double check the door when they go in or out? Why couldn’t I train my dogs to behave properly? I know I’m not the only one with this problem as I see all of the “lost pet finder posts” on social media. Still, I always felt so guilty when they would pull a fast one and find the one area of weakness and exploit it into an escapade through the neighborhood.

Now, we finally have a fenced in backyard where they can run and play. It’s a gift! Still, I have to watch for the weak spots. Once they tried to dig underneath the fence and only succeeded in coating themselves in red clay dirt. Once, the gate blew open and I found them in the front yard, outside the safety of their perimeter. (At least they didn’t run for it.) Once, after a wind storm, a plank in the fence had broken loose and was leaning over exposing the neighbor’s yard behind us. It was his fence and he repaired it promptly.

The thing about fences is they have to be maintained.

I can be a lot like my dogs. I am prone to wander from the safety and security of a life hidden in Christ. He’s given me everything I need. He is altogether sufficient. Yet, I’m so often like the old hymn describes,

“Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love.”

I’m not talking about fences that keep us captive like a prisoner or walls we’ve built around our hearts to keep others (or even God) out. The fence in my yard protects my dogs. It keeps them safe. It keeps them home so they can have water, food, shelter, provision, and love. It gives them the freedom to run and play and enjoy life, without danger. The fences I build in my spiritual life offer protection for me as well. I have learned that I don’t need anything apart from Christ. My heart is safe with him. When I discipline myself to guard my heart as scripture teaches (Proverbs 4:23), I can safely trust in him.

Fences require maintenance. The planks will sometimes need to be reinforced occasionally like my neighbor’s loose board that broke away. There are gaps that sneak up on us when we’re not paying attention. Lack of attention and maintenance allows decay. My spiritual life will not magically improve without nurture and care. I have learned to be committed and intentional about nurturing my relationship with God. I’m learning to discipline myself to read the Bible consistently, to spend time in prayer, to commune with the Father daily. I’m learning to keep an eye on my fences, to be conscientious about what I watch, what I listen to, what I read. I’m learning to be mindful, to realize when I’m being distracted from the things that actually matter. I’m learning to guard my time, to guard my heart.

A fence can be a beautiful thing.

Sometimes I wonder

Who am I’m in the battle for my life?

When the dust clears?

When tomorrow fades into today?

When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?

Can I continue in the fallout?

Am I enough to face the repercussions?

Is today the last of the real me?

Or can I rise?

I don’t know.

But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.

That’s worth something right?!?

I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.

Is that dark or brave?

I don’t know anymore.

When I was a human…

I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.

That’s not me anymore.

When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.

Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.

I’m not a human anymore.

Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.

Humanity can be the absence of humanity…

The me, alone with me.

And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.

Hold your breathe.

Vacuum

If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?

I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future

I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today

It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow

Because my life is on hold for now

And nothing can change that.

So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.

I hope and pray for better days.

And I know they will come because I have faith…

But it doesn’t undo the hard things.

And maybe that’s okay.

Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.

I’m just spitballing in a world lost.

But maybe that’s enough.

I’ll keep you posted.

Walking between the worlds

I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide

And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me

And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody

When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain

Because, once I was a girl,….

Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer

And I wonder if I’m strong enough.

Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.

Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.

Bring your A-game!

Once upon a time

In days past I could stand tall

Against the world

Against the noise

And the bleating and the chaos was a calm normal in the wake

Though it never should have been

And now the rust settles to decay

And I stand anyway

Because that’s what it means to be in the realm of the real

So feeling you gone doesn’t hurt like it should

And I know I should find my emotions

But I laughed today, hard, until tears flowed with my ten-year-old

And that’s enough to keep me going

Maybe we should measure better

Maybe the laughter should be our compass

I love deeply despite the hurt and I move on despite the pain and now I’m me alone against the void

And maybe that’s best.

The Harder Things

I used to try to prevent the hard things.

I used to try and make it all okay with extra work and a swing of my magic sword of indifference and strength combined.

Now I’m learning to lean in.

In the hard things, hope comes from strange places.

In the hard things, we realize there is more than this moment…more than us.

There is a God who provides!

I tend to minimize the thing’s happening in my life.

I tend to act like it’s all fine (when it is not).

But I’m truly grateful!

Because there’s a God who sees it all and is faithful to me no matter what!

And I’m willing to fight through the day, despite the pain, knowing He’s there to hold me up on the other side.

Lean in!

Don’t be afraid!

He’s got you and me and all the broken pieces and a million hearts searching.

Because he’s big enough!

That’s enough for me!

On Nights When I Am Broken

Darkness has a funny way of trying to creep into lit spaces.

And I see it coming and light candles and try to combat the impact.

But sometimes, I am fighting enemies that were too long my friends.

Sometimes, I’m comfortably numb.

Sometimes, I want to hurt until I cry to prove I’m still human.

Sometimes , I want to hide.

Sometimes, I wish I were dust that would vanish with a good amount of deep cleaning.

But I think the air is most thin when we don’t open up.

When the vacuum of our silence has stolen so much.

And sometimes, when the air creeps in and we feel exposed, we bleed.

But blood once paid for everything so maybe it’s okay to feel the pain.

Tonight, I’m just praying for a warm pillow and sleep where the comforter finds me.

And tomorrow…I will breathe again…that’s life in the land of the living.

Sweet dreams, baby! Get up and roar!