Rest

From underneath the table

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

Parenting is sometimes, on hands and knees, picking up the pieces from a night gone by

When you should be asleep

But you’re not

Because, life…

And you go to pick up board games sprawled across the floor to find more mayhem.

And you’re tired

But you keep going because life.:.

And you find the madness that your children have left and you wonder for a moment, then grab a broom, or a mop, or a match. Whatever fits.

So we wrestle against the ideal

And fight against time

We are only human

And we think we should be more

But we aren’t

We are flesh and bone raising flesh and bone

And the result is often messy…

Far from ideal

But we are breathing.

So I wonder if I can breathe when the board games drape the floor and I wonder what alien has invaded the floor beneath my dining room table.

Please tell me I’m not the only one!

Are we compelled to be the ideal or is there grace for the Lego littered floors and kid-scattered madness.

Is it okay to be human?!?

Or am I drowning?

I don’t really know.

But I know my kids are safe and asleep in their beds while I fight the dining room floor demons again.

Tomorrow, bring a clean, clutter free floor.

If not? Help me know that’s okay!

Otherwise, find me snuggled in a ball of Lego’s and remember I had greatness in me once.

Do You Know Who You Are?

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I’ve been hesitant to write. Hurricane Ian tore through my town, took the lives of people I know, took the homes of my friends, and shook us to breaking.

Thankfully, my family is fine. We watched from the window, waiting for trees we were sure would fall, to go the distance, and miraculously, my family was unscathed.

But then you look around…

And you see the devastation that missed you, so close.

It’s unnerving

It’s unsettling

It’s heartbreaking

This is my home!

So I didn’t want to write about it.

But tonight, my son and I were messing around and playing and singing improv on the piano and this came out,

“When all the light and all the dark have disappeared and I’m staring at the grave of wasted tears. Who am I and who are you and what should we do from here nobody knows.
So we walk through the night. And we share. whatever light we can find so we walk and we we climb through the void to who we are and who you are and who we’re meant to be and now it’s ‘us’…across the void…against the void”

And I’ve spent the day lugging debris and hauling things that may or may not be salvageable from the wreckage. And I hear the tears and pray the prayers and I’m in this…

And I’m living this! And it’s so much more than we ever imagined.

And I wonder who I am

Is the light of Christ in me enough to pierce the darkness?

I know it is cognitively.

But when the real hits you like a train colliding on the back of your faith, can you (I) be grateful? Can I say, “Great is thy Faithfulness “?

I have an answer but I won’t proffer it here. I ask you to decide.

Do we lean on light and what we know of the truth or do we look at destruction and falter?

Okay, I give up. I’ll answer….He is still so, so good!!!!!

No storm can hold Him!

Nothing can chain Him!

And I see it!

So debris can give way and my hope still stands.

I know who I am but more importantly, I know who He is!!!

And that’s enough

Rainbows and shadows

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

I sit in spaces, lost between the worlds

Who I am, and who I should be

Breaking, with the glimmer of light.

And I can be so broken…I should be

But I’m not

I’m stronger than the wind, because it passes while I remain

So I stare at rainbows

Reminders in the sky of what can be, when sun and rain collide

That maybe, where my trauma and truth collide, there can be beauty

And I can be a reminder.

Choose to be bigger

Don’t let the sun dim to fade

Shine!

You were made for more! And so was I

In the still, find breath and breathe.

It’s enough; I promise!

Life is beautiful, no matter what

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Life is beautiful in the noise

In the rough

In the torrent

In the pain

In the surreal

In the pulling up and walking on

In the mornings of not enough coffee

In the ache

In the breaking

In the grace pouring beyond what we expect.

Life is beautiful in the forward motion

Walk on, feet!

Even when the beat doesn’t proceed you

Even when the sun has set

Wake up and walk

Move

Breathe

Hard

Breathe

Deep

Walk

Feel the pulsating rhythm of the pulse inside you

Feel deep calling to deep

Embrace the moments that scar

Then throw them to the sea, a testament to tomorrow

Live! Then…

Live again

Time…in a bottle…or not…

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Time is a funny thing.

It flies

It pauses

It groans for tomorrow

It longs for yesterday

It moves

In waves

While the world continues, as it seemingly stops for some

But it is.

Time is

And we grovel at it’s feet

And we wonder where the break pedal is

And we clasp onto what we can hold

And we long for bricks to put on top our children’s heads to stop the growth

All the while praying they will grow, healthy and strong, and prepared for tomorrow

I watch you grow and I beg for it to stop and continue while I sit like an Alanis Morissette lyric, contracting truths against each other.

And we grow and move

And live and have our being in the moment

Sweaters on backward and inside out and all

Until we feel the most of a new day

And breathe

Deep

Because today is wrapped in tomorrow and yesterday at once

And I am you and you are me together, bracing for the impact

Life is more than we see

Life is wrapped in the endless toil of a day well lived, and a tomorrow, begging for something

Whatever that may be

My tomorrow is different from yours

But it’s the same

The hand of God, making meaning, while we go

And that’s enough

At the end of the day, it’s enough

Forward motion makes for meaning

So RUN!

Then look at yesterday and today and smile

Knowing tomorrow is breath

And we’re all running

In the Morning …Running with what you’ve got

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

So, my mornings are always morning before morning should be allowed

I’m not a morning person…working on this…

But in anticipation of tomorrow, I plan.

I pack lunchboxes and clean and lie clean clothes on racks and hooks, and find shoes lost by minions (small people I’m charged to raise)

But, unfortunately, sometimes I dread the day ahead.

I’m not proud of it.

And I think if His mercies new every morning and the blessing of parenthood and employment and a life well lived.

But in reality, I go to bed knowing my alarm will sound the horror bell of having to wake up when I want to sleep.

Still, there’s a blessing when the coffee and the day kick in.

When sunlight brings possibilities that I haven’t imagined.

So I ride before the sun and do it again and again.

This life doesn’t have to be brilliant or awesome in the light of day but it has to continue to bring meaning.

So today leads to tomorrow and every moment, even the mundane, leads to greatness.

Will I be remembered for the lunches I pack and the jokes I wrote in sharpie on ziplock? Probably not. But will I be remembered for my perseverance and strength? I hope so.

Wake up tomorrow and do it again.

Just go!

One foot in front of the next, in excellence. It’s all anyone can ask and it’s more than enough.

Two cents from the routine.

Two cents to manufacture a million. Just RUN!

Who am I?

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

If I were a mere mortal in the land of the living

You know that place where truth and grace collide

And the maker of heaven called me beautiful in spite of my ugly

And I set out to show the world the immensity of glory

And the rug beneath me failed to hold the weight

And the ground shook at the sound of Your voice

And I am me and you are infinite

What can I offer?

A prayer to the God who sees

A song to the voice of the mute

I am a disabled veteran in the land of the living

No claim to fame just a life sacrificed at the altar of service

And in my case, badly offered

Bruised and unworthy

But still showing up

Still fighting

Still ready to stand and say it’s all worth it

Bring it on world, I’m here standing on weak knees, ready for tomorrow

Warrior with broken feet…standing on hope.

Wake me up!

The embrace of more than time

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When time stops do you feel it?

Is there a moment when everything is okay and the world is right and stands the test of time?

Or do we wait, with hunger, for another moment?

Maybe that’s the beauty.

Maybe the hunger fuels the fire for tomorrow.

I don’t know. I’m just you, reaching into the void, waiting for the voice of God to smile on my weakness.

Maybe clay cries out to potter longing for completion.

But the journey is worth the wait. So I’ll stand in the light, knowing the dawn is brighter.

And I wait because you’ve always met me there.

Nothing becomes something beautiful in your embrace. Sometimes it just takes a minute for me to catch up.

Me and whatever that means

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

Me..:a construct for the ages

An anomaly for the masses

Another constructed being in the realm of space and time to be constructed from dust

But I believe in design so your construct is nothing. So am I meaningless?

I’ve said “construct” too much

If I do not reach do my hands hold meaning?

If I don’t ache am I still bleeding?

If I don’t yield am I an endless void?

If I’m not here does the world notice?

I am space constructed from endless light.

I am more than yesterday and today and tonight.

I’m not void in the darkness

I’m just the kind of light that can start a spark.

Believe in me and let’s begin tomorrow.