scripture

Sometimes I wonder

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

Who am I’m in the battle for my life?

When the dust clears?

When tomorrow fades into today?

When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?

Can I continue in the fallout?

Am I enough to face the repercussions?

Is today the last of the real me?

Or can I rise?

I don’t know.

But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.

That’s worth something right?!?

I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.

Is that dark or brave?

I don’t know anymore.

The Harder Things

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I used to try to prevent the hard things.

I used to try and make it all okay with extra work and a swing of my magic sword of indifference and strength combined.

Now I’m learning to lean in.

In the hard things, hope comes from strange places.

In the hard things, we realize there is more than this moment…more than us.

There is a God who provides!

I tend to minimize the thing’s happening in my life.

I tend to act like it’s all fine (when it is not).

But I’m truly grateful!

Because there’s a God who sees it all and is faithful to me no matter what!

And I’m willing to fight through the day, despite the pain, knowing He’s there to hold me up on the other side.

Lean in!

Don’t be afraid!

He’s got you and me and all the broken pieces and a million hearts searching.

Because he’s big enough!

That’s enough for me!

Messy me

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I am a mess, woven in clay, wrapped up in yarn, and presented to the world.

You may see me strung or unstrung, strong or weak

Flesh and bone or fierce.

With every thread I hang on to the maker of the tapestry.

Because that’s all that matters.

Broken and fragmented, waiting for the hands of the sculptor.

And it isn’t weak to wait.

Bravery stands at the edge of a precipice and waits for instruction before flying.

Bravery is being willing to rest at the feet of something greater and be still.

So here I am Lord, use me however.

Bravery is being fully yours!

Who are you?

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I think I am me when the dust settles and the night falls and I stare at my pillow and I wonder

What is today? And what will be different tomorrow? And what’s the harm in thinking about that?

I think tomorrow is propelled by today.

I think I am the sum of yesterday and today and tomorrow combined because I believe God is bigger than that mess!

There’s a symbolism in the weight of the fracture between me and today and tomorrow.

There is more than I can see

There is more than me.

So hold on tight beloved. You are beloved

Because you don’t always see what’s waiting beyond the veil.

And I know theology and not every gets a peak behind the curtain but I’m waiting and I know He is too. That’s enough for me!

If you really knew me…

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If you really knew me, would you hang me out to dry with the stars?

Would you wonder if I’m someone worth your time?

Would you debate with the clock and the ashes of lives lived and gone?

Would you pull me close and tell me of tomorrows?

Would you fold the flames of a life well lived around me or call for backup?

If you really knew me, would you say hello when you saw me or hide?

If you really knew me would you wonder at the greatness I hold or run in the opposite direction?

Will you read my words on a page and wonder if I’m human?

Or will you find that we are the same

Fumbling for light when the darkness presses in and …

Reaching, so hard, when the light calls?

Do you see me? Can you hear me?

These are questions for the abyss yet I ask them.

These moments define destiny.

Iif you really knew me, you would know.

But in the space of time and light and all the things that make us….us, I’m a voice screaming into the air.

But if you really knew me, that might matter.

In the meantime, I’m okay with the background chatter.

Human

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I used to be human, once when it was trendy.

But what good are trends anyway?!?

I’m me in the trenches.

I’m me when the world crashes around me.

I’m me in the flesh and the bone…in the spirit and song…

In the trenches.

Just little ol’ me

I grope for air when I need to breathe

I hang on to euphemisms when I need hope.

I grope for light when I feel dark.

I wait for the dishes to be done

For the world to feel uncluttered even when I know I’m responsible for the outcome.

I wait for the light to appear.

But I am loved!

Not by you certainly. Maybe not even by the people I hold close to my chest like life preservers.

But I’m loved.

And maybe that’s enough.

Because I’ll get up tomorrow and go again.

And things will get done little by little and I will grow or whatever…

Tonight, I’m me, in the light of a thousand moons,and the presence of a God who loves me anyway and that’s more than enough for me!

Time in a bottle

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If time really were in a bottle, I would drink deeply.

I don’t always know who I am

But I’m me in this moment

So sound the alarms and ring the bells because I’m present

And maybe I’m the me I thought I was yesterday

Or maybe life is okay when it’s half-lived and the night is blocked by the sun

And life is great when the sun shines

But no one promised us a rose garden (quote the old author)

But life is greater when you know who you are and where you stand and when enough is enough or there’s light on the horizon, peaking.

I don’t back down! I never have and I don’t plan on changing.

So bring the dusk or the dawn but watch me rise! Because I always RISE!

Segmentation

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I think I may live in segments. Moments between where the great is and where it was and who I am now and who I used to be.

Segmented arthropods or a life once lived draped in shadow. And I’m okay this way…maybe…

I stare at the moon.

I stare at the memory.

I stare at life.

And I’m breathing

Wondering what that means anymore.

But my voice is strong and so I stare and yell to the void

Maybe that’s enough.

Maybe not.

Time will tell.