Random things I find in old boxes
Spirituality
Sometimes I wonder
Who am I’m in the battle for my life?
When the dust clears?
When tomorrow fades into today?
When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?
Can I continue in the fallout?
Am I enough to face the repercussions?
Is today the last of the real me?
Or can I rise?
I don’t know.
But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.
That’s worth something right?!?
I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.
Is that dark or brave?
I don’t know anymore.
When I was a human…
I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.
Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.
I’m not a human anymore.
Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.
Humanity can be the absence of humanity…
The me, alone with me.
And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.
Hold your breathe.
Vacuum
If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?
I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future
I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today
It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow
Because my life is on hold for now
And nothing can change that.
So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.
I hope and pray for better days.
And I know they will come because I have faith…
But it doesn’t undo the hard things.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.
I’m just spitballing in a world lost.
But maybe that’s enough.
I’ll keep you posted.
Walking between the worlds
I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide
And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me
And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody
When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain
Because, once I was a girl,….
Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer
And I wonder if I’m strong enough.
Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.
Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.
Bring your A-game!
Tomorrow maybe
If everything were up to today, would I be proud?
Or would I cower?
I guess that’s the question in the dark hours of the night.
Did today leave legacy for tomorrow?
Can I count today when I was sick and sleeping, as a day that counted?
Probably not.
I want to be present when the light touches Earth.
I want to feel the wind.
I want to be made for greatness.
But, stomach flu and life hits hard sometimes and I can’t be human.
But maybe that’s enough…?
I don’t know how to reconcile a day in bed with a life meant for purpose.
But God!
Still, tomorrow is looming on the horizon. And that’s enough for me to close my eyes and dream of better days.
Tomorrow is such a great promise!
I pray I won’t waste it!
Current status…
Words fall from trees like leaves hurdling into fall. And I thought they were my friends until they betrayed me.
Then suddenly words don’t matter any more and I fall apart because I need them to make sense of the chaos.
So I sing loud anthems into the dark.
And I cry tears that fall lonely.
And I wait for peace that will come if I’m patient…but I’m not.
So hello today, can we talk about tomorrow?
Once upon a time
In days past I could stand tall
Against the world
Against the noise
And the bleating and the chaos was a calm normal in the wake
Though it never should have been
And now the rust settles to decay
And I stand anyway
Because that’s what it means to be in the realm of the real
So feeling you gone doesn’t hurt like it should
And I know I should find my emotions
But I laughed today, hard, until tears flowed with my ten-year-old
And that’s enough to keep me going
Maybe we should measure better
Maybe the laughter should be our compass
I love deeply despite the hurt and I move on despite the pain and now I’m me alone against the void
And maybe that’s best.
The Harder Things
I used to try to prevent the hard things.
I used to try and make it all okay with extra work and a swing of my magic sword of indifference and strength combined.
Now I’m learning to lean in.
In the hard things, hope comes from strange places.
In the hard things, we realize there is more than this moment…more than us.
There is a God who provides!
I tend to minimize the thing’s happening in my life.
I tend to act like it’s all fine (when it is not).
But I’m truly grateful!
Because there’s a God who sees it all and is faithful to me no matter what!
And I’m willing to fight through the day, despite the pain, knowing He’s there to hold me up on the other side.
Lean in!
Don’t be afraid!
He’s got you and me and all the broken pieces and a million hearts searching.
Because he’s big enough!
That’s enough for me!
On Nights When I Am Broken
Darkness has a funny way of trying to creep into lit spaces.
And I see it coming and light candles and try to combat the impact.
But sometimes, I am fighting enemies that were too long my friends.
Sometimes, I’m comfortably numb.
Sometimes, I want to hurt until I cry to prove I’m still human.
Sometimes , I want to hide.
Sometimes, I wish I were dust that would vanish with a good amount of deep cleaning.
But I think the air is most thin when we don’t open up.
When the vacuum of our silence has stolen so much.
And sometimes, when the air creeps in and we feel exposed, we bleed.
But blood once paid for everything so maybe it’s okay to feel the pain.
Tonight, I’m just praying for a warm pillow and sleep where the comforter finds me.
And tomorrow…I will breathe again…that’s life in the land of the living.
Sweet dreams, baby! Get up and roar!
INSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER 