Human

I used to be human, once when it was trendy.

But what good are trends anyway?!?

I’m me in the trenches.

I’m me when the world crashes around me.

I’m me in the flesh and the bone…in the spirit and song…

In the trenches.

Just little ol’ me

I grope for air when I need to breathe

I hang on to euphemisms when I need hope.

I grope for light when I feel dark.

I wait for the dishes to be done

For the world to feel uncluttered even when I know I’m responsible for the outcome.

I wait for the light to appear.

But I am loved!

Not by you certainly. Maybe not even by the people I hold close to my chest like life preservers.

But I’m loved.

And maybe that’s enough.

Because I’ll get up tomorrow and go again.

And things will get done little by little and I will grow or whatever…

Tonight, I’m me, in the light of a thousand moons,and the presence of a God who loves me anyway and that’s more than enough for me!

Enough

I admit, some nights I feel like I’m not enough.

I work my tail off all day and come to the end and realize I couldn’t do it all!

My “to do list” will extend to tomorrow and may even exceed my “today list”.

I tried.

I succeeded

I failed

I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m done!

One small step at a time can feel like a mountain of failure for an overachiever like me.

I climbed Everest today and completely decluttered my closet and rescued my bedroom from chaos. And it should feel good.

But for the over achieving me, it feels like failure.

And that’s not okay.

I shouldn’t revel in each mountaintop.

I should glory in the small steps.

But I feel the weight of a thousand, looming, “to-dos”.

Why can’t I accept the beauty of a little each day?

I don’t know.

But I know, “for such a time as this”.

I heard it when the world stopped for me and my pastor preached it and said it to my face!

I heard it in my spirit when I wanted to stop.

“For such a time as this…“

Keep on!

Don’t give up!

I can’t explain it but I know you and I were made for this! Whatever “this” may be for you.

Don’t blink when the light starts shining!

Don’t run when it all tries to chase you down.

One step in front of the other.

One breath

One scripture

One moment.

Breathe!

Enough is being who you are!

Never, ever forget!

Don’t forget who you are and that you were made “for such a time as this”

Tomorrow might be better or worse or in between but you can handle it all!

I can handle it all!

What other choice is there?

Breathe!

Shampoo, rinse, repeat…

Do it all again and remember that we aren’t the sum of our accomplishments, we are defined by our next steps.

And maybe they won’t be great and we can be defined by the ones after that.

Make tomorrow count. And be okay with today

Because “enough” isn’t what we want it to be; it’s whether we pick up and move on tomorrow.

Just breathe. It’s okay!

Me

I think I was me once, when nothing else interrupted the light.

I could call out and hear the echo of tomorrow, regardless, the darkness that threatened.

But I think I forgot

What does it mean to hold a candle and illuminate the shadow?

Am I here in the midst?

Am I breathing?

I guess we will know tomorrow.

And even if we don’t, I’ll get up and start again

Because that’s what it means to fight!

The embrace of every day

The inbounding hope that fills the gap between dark and dawn

We get up and go again and hope the light can find us when we’ve lost our way.

So step forward, one tentative step at a time

And keep going

One foot, then another.

Tomorrow brings no promise of light and life but it’s what we have.

So push through the breech and find your strength dear friend.

Tomorrow is worth the fight!

Segmentation

I think I may live in segments. Moments between where the great is and where it was and who I am now and who I used to be.

Segmented arthropods or a life once lived draped in shadow. And I’m okay this way…maybe…

I stare at the moon.

I stare at the memory.

I stare at life.

And I’m breathing

Wondering what that means anymore.

But my voice is strong and so I stare and yell to the void

Maybe that’s enough.

Maybe not.

Time will tell.

On falling and getting up

If I’m going to fall, can I please fall hard and hit my head?

Can there be concussion and bruising so I don’t look like a fool?

Can I rest in the “okay-ness” of my weakness?

If I do, do I have to wait for a diagnosis?

Fallen, in need of grace?

Can’t we just be human?

Wake up sleepers

Wake up church!

In the land of the living, an anchor holds

And we get to reveal it and show it to the masses

That’s enough

Love is enough

We can kick and claw and scream at the wind

We can cry behind closed doors

But we can’t stop reaching

For real love!

THAT is the anchor

Nails and thorns and mercy on a cross

And death giving way to victory

Who are you?

Who does He say I am?

Where is victory?

Can you see it today?

If not, look again.

It’s worth fighting for!

Time…in a bottle…or not…

Time is a funny thing.

It flies

It pauses

It groans for tomorrow

It longs for yesterday

It moves

In waves

While the world continues, as it seemingly stops for some

But it is.

Time is

And we grovel at it’s feet

And we wonder where the break pedal is

And we clasp onto what we can hold

And we long for bricks to put on top our children’s heads to stop the growth

All the while praying they will grow, healthy and strong, and prepared for tomorrow

I watch you grow and I beg for it to stop and continue while I sit like an Alanis Morissette lyric, contracting truths against each other.

And we grow and move

And live and have our being in the moment

Sweaters on backward and inside out and all

Until we feel the most of a new day

And breathe

Deep

Because today is wrapped in tomorrow and yesterday at once

And I am you and you are me together, bracing for the impact

Life is more than we see

Life is wrapped in the endless toil of a day well lived, and a tomorrow, begging for something

Whatever that may be

My tomorrow is different from yours

But it’s the same

The hand of God, making meaning, while we go

And that’s enough

At the end of the day, it’s enough

Forward motion makes for meaning

So RUN!

Then look at yesterday and today and smile

Knowing tomorrow is breath

And we’re all running

In the Morning …Running with what you’ve got

So, my mornings are always morning before morning should be allowed

I’m not a morning person…working on this…

But in anticipation of tomorrow, I plan.

I pack lunchboxes and clean and lie clean clothes on racks and hooks, and find shoes lost by minions (small people I’m charged to raise)

But, unfortunately, sometimes I dread the day ahead.

I’m not proud of it.

And I think if His mercies new every morning and the blessing of parenthood and employment and a life well lived.

But in reality, I go to bed knowing my alarm will sound the horror bell of having to wake up when I want to sleep.

Still, there’s a blessing when the coffee and the day kick in.

When sunlight brings possibilities that I haven’t imagined.

So I ride before the sun and do it again and again.

This life doesn’t have to be brilliant or awesome in the light of day but it has to continue to bring meaning.

So today leads to tomorrow and every moment, even the mundane, leads to greatness.

Will I be remembered for the lunches I pack and the jokes I wrote in sharpie on ziplock? Probably not. But will I be remembered for my perseverance and strength? I hope so.

Wake up tomorrow and do it again.

Just go!

One foot in front of the next, in excellence. It’s all anyone can ask and it’s more than enough.

Two cents from the routine.

Two cents to manufacture a million. Just RUN!

Glorious

What makes glorious life?

When pen and plight, too numb, collide

What beauty permeates stone?

Till I, in He, resound alone.

We talk, so often of death and pain

Yet forget the living

And here I stand with arms, waiting for direction, aiming for the target I cannot see

Or maybe I can…

Or maybe I am hesitant to step, without seeing where my feet will land

Either way, pen in hand, write my story.

I’ll go

Dreamer…sleeping or awake?

I was once a dreamer of big dreams.

I still am

I once sat imagining all I could be.

I still do…sometimes.

And in the midst of who I was and who I am, I find this amazing dichotomy.

I’m not less than I was when the world was rose-colored.

I’ve faced giants no one saw coming.

But I’m here…

And I’m breathing.

I fight against non-existent clocks and existential realities until I’m numb and clocking in and clocking out.

But I am more.

I know it. Maybe you don’t.

Who plants the sun in its station?

Who holds the earth in orbit?

Who called me “more” when I was dust?

You are my audience and I clamor for applause while all you wanted was willingness.

So here I am.

Breath and bones in twilight.

Take my everything and make it meaningful.

Spinning

The earth spins round until we are dizzy

Maybe today is tomorrow again or yesterday unleashed.

I don’t know

But I know I love you

And I know you and I are fixed in space and moment

And love is bigger than now

Eternity unleashed in the presence of my heart

Maybe it’s enough

If not, I’ll try again tomorrow