Today joins with others before it as being a day that leaves an impact. It’s a day exploding with meaning. Today my baby boy turns six years old. Just yesterday he was a little bean in my arms wrapped up cozy and close, nestled in that magic place between collarbone, neck & shoulder. Wasn’t it just yesterday when he was taking his first wobbly steps from me to his sister & back again? Time is a mystery.
He’s always been a little reminder that heaven is near and adventure is born in the very heart of God. He is precious and strong. He is a gift. He’s turning into a big boy before my eyes while I watch and absorb the wonder. He’s a ninja and a jedi. He’s a cuddle bug and a knight. He’s energy embodied with an aire of “awesome” mixed in.
My prayer today is that God would continue to shape him into the man he was designed to become. I pray that my husband and I would be aware of every minute given to us as his parents, that we would never take for granted the enormous blessing we have in him & our other children. I pray that we would choose our words wisely, that we would be encouragers, that we would lead him by example with courage and integrity. I pray we never forget to laugh and play and sing and dance around the house like silly goofballs. I pray we will remember to look at the world through his eyes and take in the magic of it all.
Happy Birthday little man! I love being your mom!
I wonder if there is a haven for lost poems deep in the recesses of time…some magical place of calm & noise all jumbled together to form meaning.
I wonder if there’s a mystery to the soul that will never be solved until we meet our maker and then in His light, all will become clear, like a translucent breath given form and substance beyond its particles.
I wonder if there are places where two & two add up to three. You know…like me & you & we.
I wonder at wonderful and it’s subjectivity, how the universals collide with perspective to form the moment when “it is good”
I wonder what happens to our dreams when we wake
I wonder what the substance of a prayer looks like from heaven and if mine have created something of beauty or a blob of selfish ambition. I pray the former. Still I wonder
I wonder about today, if I’ve lived it well or if it’s joined the overflowing tombs of the wasted.
I wonder if God allows “the wasted” to resurface in the mind & heart of those who are quick to hear.
I wonder if I can join that number & revive the moments of truth I’ve squandered.
I wonder if I should stop writing now, if maybe I’m digging too deep and will be found buried tomorrow beneath the pebbles of thought that pile to gravel in my head.
I wonder if this makes sense at all.
Some things I may never know…still I wonder.
Oh beautiful disaster, the life that once was. Stretched before the faceless masses with bloated heart set to bust. Above the cynic’s laughter, beyond the doubter’s tomb, a small voice sings. Growing louder with each resistance. Brought forth from deep within. Singing wonder of the soul. Blood, sweat and tears collide in rhythm at the sound. All the pain once carried, all the songs once sung, all the moments of abandon lead to now. And everything is clear.
I haven’t written much this week, which is unusual for me. I haven’t been able to. It’s not the ideas or inspirations haven’t come. It’s not that the words haven’t rolled through my brain singing “Crazy Train” while plummeting frantically to the caverns of lost thought below. It’s really been a joint effort between life and confusion, each one vying for my time, sucking at my mind with their imbibing tentacles. They long for me. They long to steal away the moments of vision and clarity as they once did. I’m not easily shaken. Not anymore.
This week I’ve realized how truly blessed I’ve become. That seems a strange thought in the midst of the situation that presented itself which I cannot share with you, but trust me, it was a doozy! I realized that I’ve come to a place where problems (real problems) are rare. That is such a miracle since I once lived a life in which problems (real mind blowing, “how much more can I possibly take” problems) were the norm.
Then you sink to uncomfortable numb. Feelings stop so survival can take over. Your heart beats, you breathe but laboriously in an effort to dim the panic. Breathe in, breathe out. Hide the heart another day until maybe it just disappears. Who needs emotion anyway? My place in life is among the zombies, walking dead with no heart (excerpt from poem called Zombie I wrote in 2009)
Now those days have passed and I am alive. No longer the zombie I wrote about in old poems. I am fully awake. I am free.
So this week, though life hit hard, I find myself thankful. I’m not thankful for the circumstances. I’m not thankful for the pain. But I’m thankful that I’ve entered the realm of the living. I’m thankful that I merely have a problem instead of my entire life being fraught with a myriad of problems. I’m thankful that I am confident in the God whose brought me through so much before and will bring my family through this situation with good in store. I’m thankful that no weapon formed against me or my family can ever prosper or succeed. My confidence is in a BIG God.
I’m grateful for the promise of tomorrow, a future and a hope. I’ve always believed and held tightly to that promise. But now, I’m thankful for the promise of TODAY…knowing that God is with me. The creator of the universe holds my hand and loves me deeply, passionately, and furiously. I am overwhelmed by the wonder of it. I am captured by the enormity of its effects. It leaves me breathless.
Today I am fully alive.
This little flower encourages me every day. It’s a mexican petunia. Every night it loses all it’s flowers & every morning it blooms again. It’s my little reminder that God’s mercies are new every morning.
What do you even call the color where all the shades & hues of the spectrum collide and meet in the middle of the sunset? It corresponds with the nature of soul and spirit itself, a mixed kaleidoscope of beauty; inspiring, inviting, connecting to the core of me. It slides and fades; brightens and deepens in mere seconds. It’s just like your voice, a constant of brilliance, a myriad of excellence, a conglomerate of majesty before me. It breathes in and out freedom and wonder, intimacy and radiance. You sing and I am new.
The waiting world holds its breath now eagerly anticipating that moment… that flash when you speak. Explosions of color emanate from your mouth. You breathe and we live. Then when the fire of your glory touches the earth, light transcends shadow. Meaning surpasses the coming night. The promise of morning looms heavy in the salty air.
Brilliance becomes you. Color and light grasp in vain to describe you. You are vast.
Speak Lord, I am listening.
Color meets Sea