I don’t know that I would
I don’t know that my yesterday would yield a return.
I might be happy to be the me that I am.
I might wish for the dreams I once cherished.
I might want to be someone else but I don’t think so.
I am me.
The living.
The breathing
The survivor
The conqueror
The warrior
The singer
The writer
I am the culmination of the me I was born to be
And I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow but that doesn’t stop me from being grateful for today.
Because today is beautiful
I used to peck and claw at strings and straw hoping to find sustenance
All the while knowing that truth lay in a book on a table in my living room
Every time I open it, I am filled another day
That is the nature of satisfaction
It may take effort but is only found when we reach for the right source
Thankfully, that source reaches for us too
That, in itself, is enough reason to keep going and to be grateful
I am profoundly grateful!
I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.
Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.
I’m not a human anymore.
Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.
Humanity can be the absence of humanity…
The me, alone with me.
And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.
Hold your breathe.
If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?
I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future
I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today
It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow
Because my life is on hold for now
And nothing can change that.
So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.
I hope and pray for better days.
And I know they will come because I have faith…
But it doesn’t undo the hard things.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.
I’m just spitballing in a world lost.
But maybe that’s enough.
I’ll keep you posted.
In days past I could stand tall
Against the world
Against the noise
And the bleating and the chaos was a calm normal in the wake
Though it never should have been
And now the rust settles to decay
And I stand anyway
Because that’s what it means to be in the realm of the real
So feeling you gone doesn’t hurt like it should
And I know I should find my emotions
But I laughed today, hard, until tears flowed with my ten-year-old
And that’s enough to keep me going
Maybe we should measure better
Maybe the laughter should be our compass
I love deeply despite the hurt and I move on despite the pain and now I’m me alone against the void
And maybe that’s best.
Today, my sister tore the veil and crossed into infinity.
And I don’t know what to make of it.
She was too young.
She had so much to give.
She was fierce.
She was a lion meant for destiny.
She s gone.
And my heart can’t quite process it all.
And my head is numb and weak and sad.
And I wonder what might have been.
And I cry.
A lot!
Fly high little love.
Find the light you struggled to see.
I’m praying that I see you again and I’m crying that it can’t be now.
Death where is your sting?
Right here in the land of the living.
Darkness has a funny way of trying to creep into lit spaces.
And I see it coming and light candles and try to combat the impact.
But sometimes, I am fighting enemies that were too long my friends.
Sometimes, I’m comfortably numb.
Sometimes, I want to hurt until I cry to prove I’m still human.
Sometimes , I want to hide.
Sometimes, I wish I were dust that would vanish with a good amount of deep cleaning.
But I think the air is most thin when we don’t open up.
When the vacuum of our silence has stolen so much.
And sometimes, when the air creeps in and we feel exposed, we bleed.
But blood once paid for everything so maybe it’s okay to feel the pain.
Tonight, I’m just praying for a warm pillow and sleep where the comforter finds me.
And tomorrow…I will breathe again…that’s life in the land of the living.
Sweet dreams, baby! Get up and roar!
I won’t break!
I might…
I won’t look for answers in the void
Or I will…
Either way, I’m okay.
Because sometimes that’s how I realize who I am
And sometimes that’s enough.
There are nights when life feels okay and you fall asleep and dream of good things.
There are nights when you blame the world’s failings on your own shoulders.
I can bleed with the best of them.
But there are nights when you realize, for maybe a minute, that this is harder than it should be.
And death till you part doesn’t mean, you die like an expense report, in the archives of a business file.
Maybe there’s more than this.
Maybe there’s a place where it isn’t all your fault, Even though it never was to begin with.
Maybe holding on is leaving you cut and scarred and bruised beyond recognition.
And you can’t tell the world because they don’t understand.
And you can’t be a failure again and again.
So you ride the carousel until it stops and buy another ticket.
Because yesterday was good
And tomorrow is unknown.
But anything is better than this…
Heave, ho, pull the anchor in again my friend because it’s not easy and you and you alone get to decide when it’s too heavy.
INSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER 