On Neighbors and Whether They are Loveable

Unwittingly, and despite my best efforts, I am at war with my neighbors. Well, they live a few houses down, but same idea. It’s a silly feud, which I take partial responsibility for, though I revel at the length it has come to. I, as an empathetic pacifist, cannot fathom the depths one would take to prove their point…but maybe that’s just me against the world, who knows…

Still, tonight, I’m stuck in thought about the events transpiring to a war I never signed up to fight…a war waged against me with no retaliation or prompting, and I wonder at who we are…really as people locked in humanity…who are we?

My neighbors have never spoken to me, other than once when they cussed at me while I walked in the opposite direction. They don’t actually know me. They don’t know my situation or any of the events leading up to their alleged offense (which isn’t even proffered in actual evidence to date). They just accuse and assume. Never once have they asked if there was an issue or if they could help. Just accusatio) …

I should, I suppose, take it all in stride. I should ignore the onslaught of hostility towards me. That’s what my faith insists. Still, I want to fight. I want to defend. I want recompense. I am human.

My real point is, tonight, I realized something I had missed. In my concern for them and the circumstances, I forgot who I am for a minute and that is wholly unacceptable to me. I am a strong woman who has survived more than most. I have seen lives restored and hearts healed despite far more egregious and daunting obstacles. I am a freakin’ warrior!

Suddenly, in the face of threat, I am strong. Suddenly, when the world closes, I find an opening. Suddenly, when life jabs, I block. I am a fighter who doesn’t want to fight. I am a warrior who would lay down her shield if it meant you would be whole. I am STRONG!

I have to remind myself sometimes that I am who I am. Some nights, it takes a tear and a sword (not literally) to make me whole, but I AM whole!

I am who I am. Bring your worst and I’ll bring my best and let’s see what happens. I am me! I’ve made mistakes. I’ve been rude. I’ve been kind. I’ve been passive. I’ve been bold. I’m a warrior fighting to find tomorrow. Aren’t we all?

Still, what I know beyond all else, is that I WILL WALK IN LOVE!!! No one can take that away!!! No attack can make me forget that LOVE is the only thing that matters.

Go ahead and hate me and haunt me…I’ll be here with compassion and love wishing you the best tomorrow has to offer. That isn’t weakness, it’s strength!

Is There Joy in the Waiting?

Have you ever had a season of life when the ground shakes beneath every step? You hang on for dear life in the waking, and doings, of your day, and wonder if it will ever get better and, “What in the world is happening?”.

In the seasons when the, “can go wrongs”, become the “going wrongs”, can we find the light? Or are we blind? Maybe it’s all about perspective.

I’ve had a time recently! It’s been one hit after another, then another, to prove that maybe I should just lay down and give up. But I’m not one to give up!!!

I can’t help think tonight about the pain and sting of it all. Not even necessarily my pain, but the pain I see happening around me also. I wonder where the line blurs between humanity and God. What are we capable of handling and what should we bury ourselves in prayer and tears over? Life isn’t always easy!

I wish I could be optimistic all of the time, but some days bring more sting than others. It’s humanity. It’s life. It’s a brilliant saga lived out in skin.

Still, when God seems distant or hope seems a memory, there is this subtle joy that can spring out of nowhere. The key is finding the romance in the midst of the chaos. Maybe that is my mission. Maybe I can be a beacon for the lost and waiting.

We wait for tomorrow while clinging to today or some other distant day.

We wait for light when the sun has set.

We wait for inspiration and hope when the world screams, “failure”.

And in the waiting, we are better.

There may not be a rose garden awaiting us on the other side of the briar patch. Still, what we learned in the dark, we carry to the light.

Never underestimate the power and potential of your struggles.

Fight when the world has knocked you flat.

Get up when you don’t know how to open your eyes!

Be you! Authentic and unapolegetic!

I can’t help but believe that a God who sees all, knows who I am and what I face, and has equipped me for a moment like this.

Don’t let anyone steal who you ARE!

SHINE!

Tomorrow is another adventure in YOUR story. What are you going to do with it?

Today…tomorrow

It is human to look in the closet of broken dreams and wonder if you’ve done enough or been enough to sustain the hope.

But the closet holds so much hope! Never underestimate who you were and who you are now!

There’s no magic formula that makes us great. It’s in the showing up. Am I willing to show up today and tomorrow and keep going?

That is where the magic lies. Show up. Shine! Greatness is in a life ready to do the best one can tomorrow.

Will tomorrow be great? It’s up yo you. Screw today! Get out there and LIVE!

Hero

I have all these heroes in the faith..people who shine bright amidst the noise and impact the world with light.

Tonight I wonder if I’m a “hero”.

Can I be one who shows a glimmer of light in darkness? Am I beacon to someone holding on, trying to breathe when the air seems thin?

Is it enough to live and love? Is it enough to show up everyday?

I think it is. We don’t need megaphones, we need presence. We don’t need lights and applause. Maybe a smile is enough.

Think about who impacted you the most on your journey. Did they need accolades or were they just there?

The beauty in life is in showing up in the small things. The big things are great but the small things are magic.

Shine when the light is missing. Shine when the dim overwhelms.

Be, unapologetically, you. You were born for this!

Brightness

You are me when the light dims.

You are me when the light shines bright

We are one. We are whole!

Who knew?!?

If tomorrow were another moment in the realm of eternity, would we notice the light?

How bright can we shine NOW?!?

If we aren’t light, who are we?

Reach for light!

Thunder

I was a human once.

I lived, I breathed, I knew who I was.

It was somewhere between where husband number one left me a puddle on the floor and husband number two decided I wasn’t enough.

Maybe I’m not.

Maybe they’re not.

I’m not qualified to say.

Tonight, I’m thinking I am beyond expectations and they are the fault.

Regardless, I’m here with the pieces.

Pieces are a funny thing. They fall in random intervals. They collide with ideals. They stick themselves in places you didn’t see coming.

But you hang on, groping for tomorrow because maybe it will be better and maybe peace can be found.

Maybe, instead of the ideal that someone will rescue me, I can find solace in me and my faith and the promise of tomorrow. I am tired.

I’m tired of picking up pieces and expecting gold.

Still, I am an optimist. I believe in tomorrow.

But today is real and I need to feel it to gather the gold.

So I struggle and rest in the same breath.

I am me and for tonight, that is enough. Tomorrow may be another story.

Shine when the darkness covers.

Shine when you can’t find light.

Today is a day gone…tomorrow is eternity, so live!!!!

Random thoughts from the lost and tired.

Be you!

Bring the thunder and the light will follow…at least that’s the hope.

Sing for the Light

Call me into the deep where you are waiting

I’ve missed the feel of you

My head can hear you and my sensibilities know you but my emotions have fallen out the window.

Who have I become that my emotion is absent?

I was passion now I’m passive and that isn’t enough.

I don’t want to live in a world without feeling

It doesn’t satisfy

Reason is enough in a world of black and white but let’s be real we live in prisms

It isn’t enough for me.

I need the sunshine and the breaking of light over dim

I need to feel it

It’s who I am

And I’m not alone

We need to feel

Emotion carries us through the mundane

A world without feeling is nothing but muted strength struggling to hang on

I want to feel the daybreak

And cry when the light strikes the perfect pose

I’m not alone

I can feel it

So sing with me seekers and cry out for the dawn

It’s coming

Hang on tight

When tomorrow comes

Today was a blip in eternity

A small stardust glimpse of reality lived

Or maybe not lived to the fullest

Or enough of a moment to leave a mark

Who knows

Today is a moment coming

What will it bring?

Who will I be in the midst of the noise?

Who am I in the infinite?

I cannot skip tomorrow

I don’t want to

I am here or not

I’m in bed sick or out there being me

I am a blip in eternity

I am me

Will I leave a mark?

That remains to be seen.

But for now, I am here. Do you see me?

Feminism, Covid, and Reality

I consider myself a strong woman. I do what needs to be done. If I don’t know how, I figure it out. If I can’t figure it out, I figure that out.

I’m in a mood tonight. I’m sure it’s primarily caused by the fact that I tested positive for Covid yesterday. I’m fine. It’s a mild case and will pass in no time, hopefully. Still, it is hard for me, as a mother, to sit in bed and rest and leave the heavy lifting to my husband.

I appreciate his willingness to help. I truly do. Still, one day in, and he seems frustrated. The kids and dinner, and lunch packing, and laundry, are apparently too much for him. He’s complaining and my house is a disaster. Yet, these things are my reality, after I work a full time job.

So I’m stuck between frustration that I can’t do all I do and annoyance that all of these things fall to me everyday and my husband can’t handle it for a day.

So where does my inner feminist stand on this issue? Is it okay with me that I do it all? Is it okay that it’s expected of me yet looked at with sympathy when he has to do it?

Is it okay that I, a strong woman, feel like crap, not because I literally feel like crap, but because, I can’t do it all? Why do I have to do it all? When did feminism become the ideal that women do everything? Why is it okay for me to feel bad because I feel bad?

I realize I may sound ungrateful and I don’t mean it that way. This isn’t even about my husband. It’s about me. I’ve become so ingrained in my role as mom and homemaker that despite the fact that I’m the primary breadwinner in my household, I still feel guilty if it isn’t all perfect.

This week, I cannot make it perfect. I’m isolated to my bedroom to keep from contaminating my family and I feel like my world will end because my kitchen is a mess and I can’t go clean it! It’s torture. Part of me would rather we all catch Covid than allow my kids’ bathroom to go without being cleaned and that is on me.

Or maybe society or whatever ridiculous norms are expected of us mothers and women trying to do it all. Feminism was made for equal rights yet it’s become unequivocal.

Why can’t a man work and scrub the dishes? Why can’t a man work and clean a toilet? Why do I feel so guilty because I’m sick?

I blame Covid for the mood but not entirely…it’s probably been brewing for awhile. Still, this week is testing my patience. But soon, I will feel better and take it all with grace.

Another day, another virus, another annoyance, another reason for me to question the system we’ve created.

It is what it is…