If you and I were “I and me” and the world were nothing but trees and bees, would any of it matter?
If I and you were, you and me, and there was nothing but us and song and “free”, would it be worth fighting for?
Just wondering…
Deep thoughts in the midst of a thoughtless night. Heaven help us.
But there’s tomorrow!
Life is walking on
Life is waking up in the morning
Life is doing what it takes to roll out of bed when the alarm is too harsh and the sleep is too short
Life is kids making you crazy
Life is partners making you wonder, “what in the world?!?”
Life is struggle
Life is breath
Life is another sunrise
Life is another chance
Life is another choice
Life is broken or whole?
Life is defeat or victory?
Life is who I was versus who I am.
Life is tomorrow…
Life is what if I tried?
Life is a choice
Life is a chance
Life is, what’s the worst that could happen?
Life is Jesus!
Life is, “What if I miss it?”
Life is “What if I fail?”
Life is “What if I didn’t?”
Life is “No regrets!”
Don’t waste it!
Go for it!
Live!!!
It’s been a week! I got sick, probably just a severe cold or flu, but it banned me from humanity in the current Covid climate, despite my negative test results. So I tried to rest, amidst my endless household to do list and everything I fight for and against on the daily. I often wonder if anyone could possibly know what the machinations of my daily life are…then I settle into a firm, “no” and go to bed.
So a week home of sickness, from work, has brought WAY too much time for watching home improvement shows and realizing my inadequacies. Maybe my organization style is actually, “modern mother seeking to survive life with chaos”? Who knows, but I don’t think I fit the mold. So I await the HGTV genie crew to come in and save me from myself and make my house a palace, but I think I’ll be waiting a long time.
And at the end of the day, it’s me….it rests on my shoulders to make light from darkness and order from chaos. I don’t think that I’m equipped and I know I won’t be gracing the world with appearances on (insert home show here.com), but I know that this is my life…this is my rodeo and I will fight to make it beautiful!
We can strive for HGTV “perfect” or we can rest in “our best” and if I have to choose, my instinct goes to “perfect” while my reality goes to “just breathe”. I may not be perfect, but God gave me these kids and He knows best. So I need to learn to suck it up and deal and fight another day. I am me. I am trying. I am who I’m meant to be this is me. (Okay got carried away and quoted a song, but somewhere someone was singing it! Or maybe that was just me) Either way, we are human, trying to get through the daily. We are warriors. Represent! Or am I the only one staring blankly at the end of the night? I hope I’m not alone! I sit and stare at the clock until it swallows me whole and then regret knowing the definition of time.
Today marks 365 days around the sun since you joined us here. I remember the call. You were gone. I miss you more than I can say but I know it’s okay (I swear I didn’t mean for that to rhyme).
In my heart, I see clearly the serenity of the place you last walked. In my head, I want to call you and tell you about my day, my week, the weather, the sound my car is making, the dinner I cooked tonight…the stupid, little things.
I miss you! I wish you were here to run home to. I wish you were here to remind me it’s all okay. But I’ll have to wait until we meet again. “Remember who you are”, comes to mind.
I hope this year has been your best! I hope you’ve done your “special daddy dance” (which I demonstrate for my kids often) around the streets of heaven. I hope you’ve looked down on us and smiled. I smile for you daily!
One year, 365 days and everything has changed and everything is the same. Without you…
A hole in the center filled with light.
I miss you Daddy but I know it’s alright. (Oops with the rhyming again…whatever…I’m leaving it.)
I remember six.
What it was to go down to my grandfather’s basement and sing at the top of my lungs while he played guitar.
I remember chords and burning and the life and longing that only comes with a great song.
I remember faces beaming and proud looks screaming “legacy”. I remember the look in his eye…the song in his fingers….the bliss of a guitar fully freed.
I remember.
Tonight my five year old wrote a song. I haven’t taught him the language of music yet. I haven’t showed him. Yet he brings me this.
I’m transported back in time to notes played freely and voices ringing loudly…to no inhibitions. Just me and my voice and the voice of one who believed in me.
And I wonder…can legacy exist when no one is looking?
But I am looking. I remember. So tonight I stare at the random notes written on unseen bar.
I flail at the night and remember who I am. And in that, I find my children and see the light.
It travels freely through the darkness, unhindered.
Because legacy is greater than us. It sweeps through the fragments of the soul and finds a home in the unhindered.
So tonight I write, I dream, I awake in the morning in memory and hope. Because the future is brighter and God is working.
I am a puzzle piece groping for truth. I hold life and I, only, know how to let it out with word and song so I keep going.
Light and life are worth the effort.
Do you ever think about who’s out there listening
I write this blog, throw these ideas into the air
But I’ll never know who hears them.
Who sees beyond the void…
I think of the words that have changed my life
The moments I stumbled across something that shook me to my soul.
There are words I’ve read that laced up my fighting boots to endure another day.
There are songs I’ve heard that became my anthem for a time.
There is greatness in the smallest of phrases that gave me the strength to keep going.
So who are you dear friend, that I’ve probably never met?
Are there melodies playing in your heart, singing sweetness and moving your feet to the rhythm of tomorrow?
Are there words hanging in the air around you waiting to be plucked, like fruit from the vine to nourish you as you march forward?
Do you know you are loved?
Can you see the romance?
The holy one calling softly, through the noise to find your ears and whisper His promise.
Can you see it?
Can I help?
I will never know. But I’ll continue to throw some words into the void to remind you.
You are seen. You are valuable. You have been created for purpose.
Listen carefully until you hear it.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7
Let’s be honest. We know that suffering can ultimately lead to strength. Sometimes the hardest of experiences can bring about the greatest growth in life. This knowledge doesn’t necessarily make it easier.
We so often kick and fight against the wind that threatens to knock us flat instead of standing firm and balancing ourselves in the midst of it. It’s ultimately counterproductive. How can we remain standing when we’re flailing? I think that’s when the beauty of grace comes in to save us.
The thing is, Philippians gives us the key to endurance, yet I think (at least I) have missed it far too often. When anxiety and fear begins to roar at us, scripture tells us to bring it to God. We make our requests known to Him. Pour out the deepest anxieties on the one who is in control when control seems to be evading you.
The peace doesn’t come from being able to handle the circumstances of our lives. True peace that surpasses understanding when we allow God to guard our hearts and minds. I tend to get this backwards. I try to will my way into faith. I struggle to muster up the strength to believe that everything will be okay. All God is asking me to do is pour it all out before Him and allow Him to stand guard.
Peace doesn’t come from self preservation. Peace comes through surrender. Peace comes through thankfulness. Not only does this passage tells us not to be anxious, but it asks us to be thankful in everything! How can we be thankful in the toughest seasons? We can thank God for His amazing love and grace. We can thank Him for being our strength, our guard, our shelter. We can thank Him that no weapon formed against us can prosper because His plans for us are good. Things may not always go the way we’d like them to but that doesn’t mean He isn’t working all things together for our good. He is sovereign!
The next time the winds threaten to sweep you off your feet, stand with Him. Pour it all out and trust Him. You’ll be amazed at His peace! I’m so thankful I don’t have to understand it all. I can rest knowing He does and He holds me.
The dark can be so daunting
The light can seem so dim
Still, from heaven, you are calling.
Can I hear your voice again?
No fear in death or life, though all of hell presses in
Your voice, the roaring lion, shatters mountains and hangs on the wind.
Still small voice, speak to me. I’m listening!


This post is a little different from my standard posts. I’m sharing with you what I wrote this morning while reading my Bible. Last night was a particularly difficult night for me. This morning, Is brighter because His word brings life and hope. Hopefully, you can glean something from it that will encourage you today. If you’re unfamiliar with the stories I’m referencing, read I Kings chapters 18 & 19.
It is Enough!
God showed Himself mightily through Elijah. In I Kings 18, he proves himself by sending fire to consume the sacrifice and turns the hearts of the people back to the Lord. Then he hears the “sound of abundance of rain” and prays until the clouds form and outruns Ahab’s chariot. Still, he (Elijah) was under a tremendous amount of pressure and adversity. By chapter 19 of I Kings, he’s running for his life from Jezebel, and it finally overwhelms him. He prays in verse 4 that he would die, “It is enough! Now Lord take my life, for I am no better than my fathers!” He is tired and feels like a failure.
How many times in my life, have I felt exactly this way? The heaviness of it all gets to me from time to time, no matter how hard I try. I don’t think Elijah was suicidal. He wasn’t trying to hurt himself and if he really wanted to die, he wouldn’t have bothered running from Jezebel. He just needed to rest and find the voice and peace of God in the middle of the pain.
God was there and shows up to sustain him, just like he always does for us. For Elijah, he sent an angel to tap him on the shoulder and feed him. The angel says to him in verse 7, “The journey is too great for you”. God know what we can handle and when it’s too much for us. He doesn’t expect us to do it on our own or in our own strength. He is there with compassion and provision when we don’t have the strength to keep going. His provision strengthens us. Elijah went, “in the strength of that food” all the way to the “mountain of God”.
“What are you doing here Elijah?”
God could have been asking him this because he should have been somewhere else and he was hiding out in a cave instead, but I think God asked him this because He wanted Elijah to see where he was. He wanted Elijah to see his purpose and who he was and who God is.
“Then He said, ‘Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.’ And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.” I Kings 19:11-12
When Elijah heard the “still small voice”, he wraps his face in his mantle, the symbol of his prophetic authority and “went out and stood”. “What are you doing here Elijah?” It’s then, when Elijah knows why he’s there and recognizes who he is and that he’s not alone, that he goes back and follows the instructions of the Lord and continues the work of the Lord.
Sometimes this life, these trials, are too much for me. I lay down just like Elijah and pray “It is enough!” God is there for me as well. He sees and provides and leads me through. I need to lean in. I need to trust Him. When he says, “Arise and eat.”, for me that means devouring the word of God and letting His word sustain me. I need to realize that though the winds, and earthquakes, and fire, break the rocks into pieces, He is still, unmoving, constant. The seemingly smallest of things contain the most meaning. I need to lean in and steady myself in that! I need to remember who I am.
Elijah wrapped his face in his mantle, his purpose. My purpose is to glorify God in and through everything…to show Him to the world. When I remember why I’m here, I can stand up.
Like, Elijah, I also need to remember I’m not alone. God has placed people around me strategically to fight alongside me. I don’t have to find alone, and I can rest in that. Still, Elijah had to go out and appoint and anoint them. I need to stop being afraid of being vulnerable and be willing to reach out and accept help and support. That’s a tough one for me, but I’m working on it.
Tomorrow is a glass half full.
Tonight is a memory.
I exhale with baited breath to find myself on my knees.
And I know it’s “worth it” if I die another day.
And I know there’s purpose in the things I choose not to say.
But it was you and me against the world until you were gone.
Now it’s me and me to fight alone and I’ll sing some lonely song. Maybe I should just face the truth that you’re gone.
Maybe I was the “missing one” all along.
INSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER 