Thought

I wonder

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For some reason, I decided to dig back through the archives today. I guess I was interested to see how far I’ve come since I started throwing my thoughts out into the air. In honor of all the nostalgia, enjoy this little blast from the past. I still wonder a lot of these things…

Jaimie's avatarINSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER

I wonder if there is a haven for lost poems deep in the recesses of time…some magical place of calm & noise all jumbled together to form meaning.

I wonder if there’s a mystery to the soul that will never be solved until we meet our maker and then in His light, all will become clear, like a translucent breath given form and substance beyond its particles.

I wonder if there are places where two & two add up to three.  You know…like me & you & we.

I wonder

I wonder at wonderful and it’s subjectivity, how the universals collide with perspective to form the moment when “it is good”

I wonder what happens to our dreams when we wake

I wonder what the substance of a prayer looks like from heaven and if mine have created something of beauty or a blob of selfish ambition. I pray the…

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Light and Gravity…and Tears…

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If the world were made of tears, I’m sure I would have cried enough to hold us all.

If the tears I cried became substance, then no one would ever fall.

If light were there by chance, we’d all be doomed.

If light is life and God is light, then baby it’s high noon!

Never underestimate the value of a God who sees and the wealth that comes through struggle and a life well lived.

His hands can hold a universe, they can certainly hold me…and you.

Maybe we can reflect some of it…

One foot…keep walking

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The wind spins circles around my head

I see the life before me and I wonder if I’m supposed to be who I am

What is life but the continuing of one foot before another?

Every breath, a choice

Every moment, an opportunity for a voice

Yet, I am so often silent.

This is humanity…

A million moments of the mundane, followed by a hundred moments of impact.

But the mundane…the cleaning, the dishes, the listening to my kids talk about their day…the laundry…

In these moments, I become me. The woman I’m called to be.

So I’ll write and create and care for children, and sing, and process invoices, and update databases and go on..one foot in front of the other.

And in that, I will be more than I ever imagined.

Somehow, in the grind, God created destiny and legacy and that is enough for me.

Hello, tomorrow. I’m ready to do my best. We will see what God has in store. It may be great. It may be monotonous, but if it’s for Your glory, it’s entirely worth it.

One foot in front of the other…this is life.

Good night world

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Dream a little dream for me

As tomorrow nears

And the night closes its eyes

Or maybe it keeps them open waiting for morning

Or maybe tomorrow is a continuance of today

Or maybe we can sweep it away in solitude for brighter things to come

Whatever the case….

Goodnight today

Welcome hope

New mercies

New grace

Newness

Renewal

Light

Life

Another day means we made it

Another day means another chance

Failure doesn’t exist here

In the space of tomorrow

Keep going

Keep fighting

Try another day

And someday you’ll find the reward.

Just never surrender.

Who am I?

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Who am I if the world stops turning for a moment

And I’m left with the quiet and the night

Who am I when grace is the only option

Because, alone, I’m never enough

And grace says that’s still okay.

Who am I in the face of lunchboxes and routines?

Who am I when I’m yelling at my kids to get out the door in the morning

Or to go to sleep at night?

Who am I?

I am loved!

I am chosen!

I’m okay.

And maybe, just maybe that’s enough

Life is…

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Life is walking on

Life is waking up in the morning

Life is doing what it takes to roll out of bed when the alarm is too harsh and the sleep is too short

Life is kids making you crazy

Life is partners making you wonder, “what in the world?!?”

Life is struggle

Life is breath

Life is another sunrise

Life is another chance

Life is another choice

Life is broken or whole?

Life is defeat or victory?

Life is who I was versus who I am.

Life is tomorrow…

Life is what if I tried?

Life is a choice

Life is a chance

Life is, what’s the worst that could happen?

Life is Jesus!

Life is, “What if I miss it?”

Life is “What if I fail?”

Life is “What if I didn’t?”

Life is “No regrets!”

Don’t waste it!

Go for it!

Live!!!

Do you ever sit and stare?

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It’s been a week! I got sick, probably just a severe cold or flu, but it banned me from humanity in the current Covid climate, despite my negative test results. So I tried to rest, amidst my endless household to do list and everything I fight for and against on the daily. I often wonder if anyone could possibly know what the machinations of my daily life are…then I settle into a firm, “no” and go to bed.

So a week home of sickness, from work, has brought WAY too much time for watching home improvement shows and realizing my inadequacies. Maybe my organization style is actually, “modern mother seeking to survive life with chaos”? Who knows, but I don’t think I fit the mold. So I await the HGTV genie crew to come in and save me from myself and make my house a palace, but I think I’ll be waiting a long time.

And at the end of the day, it’s me….it rests on my shoulders to make light from darkness and order from chaos. I don’t think that I’m equipped and I know I won’t be gracing the world with appearances on (insert home show here.com), but I know that this is my life…this is my rodeo and I will fight to make it beautiful!

We can strive for HGTV “perfect” or we can rest in “our best” and if I have to choose, my instinct goes to “perfect” while my reality goes to “just breathe”. I may not be perfect, but God gave me these kids and He knows best. So I need to learn to suck it up and deal and fight another day. I am me. I am trying. I am who I’m meant to be this is me. (Okay got carried away and quoted a song, but somewhere someone was singing it! Or maybe that was just me) Either way, we are human, trying to get through the daily. We are warriors. Represent! Or am I the only one staring blankly at the end of the night? I hope I’m not alone! I sit and stare at the clock until it swallows me whole and then regret knowing the definition of time.

365 Days

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Today marks 365 days around the sun since you joined us here. I remember the call. You were gone. I miss you more than I can say but I know it’s okay (I swear I didn’t mean for that to rhyme).

In my heart, I see clearly the serenity of the place you last walked. In my head, I want to call you and tell you about my day, my week, the weather, the sound my car is making, the dinner I cooked tonight…the stupid, little things.

I miss you! I wish you were here to run home to. I wish you were here to remind me it’s all okay. But I’ll have to wait until we meet again. “Remember who you are”, comes to mind.

I hope this year has been your best! I hope you’ve done your “special daddy dance” (which I demonstrate for my kids often) around the streets of heaven. I hope you’ve looked down on us and smiled. I smile for you daily!

One year, 365 days and everything has changed and everything is the same. Without you…

A hole in the center filled with light.

I miss you Daddy but I know it’s alright. (Oops with the rhyming again…whatever…I’m leaving it.)

On Six and Legacy

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I remember six.

What it was to go down to my grandfather’s basement and sing at the top of my lungs while he played guitar.

I remember chords and burning and the life and longing that only comes with a great song.

I remember faces beaming and proud looks screaming “legacy”. I remember the look in his eye…the song in his fingers….the bliss of a guitar fully freed.

I remember.

Tonight my five year old wrote a song. I haven’t taught him the language of music yet. I haven’t showed him. Yet he brings me this.

I’m transported back in time to notes played freely and voices ringing loudly…to no inhibitions. Just me and my voice and the voice of one who believed in me.

And I wonder…can legacy exist when no one is looking?

But I am looking. I remember. So tonight I stare at the random notes written on unseen bar.

I flail at the night and remember who I am. And in that, I find my children and see the light.

It travels freely through the darkness, unhindered.

Because legacy is greater than us. It sweeps through the fragments of the soul and finds a home in the unhindered.

So tonight I write, I dream, I awake in the morning in memory and hope. Because the future is brighter and God is working.

I am a puzzle piece groping for truth. I hold life and I, only, know how to let it out with word and song so I keep going.

Light and life are worth the effort.