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Human

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

I used to be human, once when it was trendy.

But what good are trends anyway?!?

I’m me in the trenches.

I’m me when the world crashes around me.

I’m me in the flesh and the bone…in the spirit and song…

In the trenches.

Just little ol’ me

I grope for air when I need to breathe

I hang on to euphemisms when I need hope.

I grope for light when I feel dark.

I wait for the dishes to be done

For the world to feel uncluttered even when I know I’m responsible for the outcome.

I wait for the light to appear.

But I am loved!

Not by you certainly. Maybe not even by the people I hold close to my chest like life preservers.

But I’m loved.

And maybe that’s enough.

Because I’ll get up tomorrow and go again.

And things will get done little by little and I will grow or whatever…

Tonight, I’m me, in the light of a thousand moons,and the presence of a God who loves me anyway and that’s more than enough for me!

Enough

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I admit, some nights I feel like I’m not enough.

I work my tail off all day and come to the end and realize I couldn’t do it all!

My “to do list” will extend to tomorrow and may even exceed my “today list”.

I tried.

I succeeded

I failed

I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m done!

One small step at a time can feel like a mountain of failure for an overachiever like me.

I climbed Everest today and completely decluttered my closet and rescued my bedroom from chaos. And it should feel good.

But for the over achieving me, it feels like failure.

And that’s not okay.

I shouldn’t revel in each mountaintop.

I should glory in the small steps.

But I feel the weight of a thousand, looming, “to-dos”.

Why can’t I accept the beauty of a little each day?

I don’t know.

But I know, “for such a time as this”.

I heard it when the world stopped for me and my pastor preached it and said it to my face!

I heard it in my spirit when I wanted to stop.

“For such a time as this…“

Keep on!

Don’t give up!

I can’t explain it but I know you and I were made for this! Whatever “this” may be for you.

Don’t blink when the light starts shining!

Don’t run when it all tries to chase you down.

One step in front of the other.

One breath

One scripture

One moment.

Breathe!

Enough is being who you are!

Never, ever forget!

Don’t forget who you are and that you were made “for such a time as this”

Tomorrow might be better or worse or in between but you can handle it all!

I can handle it all!

What other choice is there?

Breathe!

Shampoo, rinse, repeat…

Do it all again and remember that we aren’t the sum of our accomplishments, we are defined by our next steps.

And maybe they won’t be great and we can be defined by the ones after that.

Make tomorrow count. And be okay with today

Because “enough” isn’t what we want it to be; it’s whether we pick up and move on tomorrow.

Just breathe. It’s okay!

The wind

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I may walk upon the wind when the clouds stop giving surface to my dreams.

I may fight the fire…with tears or dewdrops from the heavens that left me long ago.

I may speak with tongues of angels or kaleidoscopes of heavenly foot prints.

But my roar will shake the heavens.

My cries will summon angels.

You will know me in the dust.

The wind will know my name.

Because I am a warrior!

I am me.

And a warrior waits behind me, roaring in the distance, that I am exactly what He called me to be!

Get ready for the rumble.

I’m not breaking!

I’m standing!

That is enough!!!!

Honesty…putting it out there

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I’ll be honest,

Sometimes I don’t know if up is down. Or right is left or who let the dogs out…cue the song “who…who”

But I know who I am.

And maybe. That’s enough…

But in the morning, it feels like nothing, as I start again. And that can be debilitating.

So we scramble from night to day and wonder where the light will land.

And we are more than conquerors even when we don’t feel it.

But sometimes we don’t.

And we walk forward because the light calls to us and there’s no other choice.

Keep going or die here. So we walk.

But if the light had eyes and voice and tears, would it beckon us into the void?

I don’t know but I’m walking and so are you.

Let’s go together

What else is there?

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Who are we to claim the stars when the earth crumbles around us?

Human, and breathing, and grasping for eternity in the midst…we flail and fall and try again and get up

Because we are breathing and, despite the broken, we find light.

And if light isn’t enough, we claw at the darkness and rise again in the morning

And that, is life…

The rising and falling of tides and moonlight

Don’t dream of a world without pain.

Dream of a world with resilience.

The latter is so much more important!

Find yourself in the beginning of tomorrow instead of the end of yesterday

And maybe that’s enough.

The stuff that brings the “real” and the “raw”

And find yourself devoted to being real.

Find yourself devoted to who you are in Christ and who you are in the midst of the the hurt.

We cannot be salt and light without being willing to “cure’ and wade through the dim.

Don’t expect “easy”, expect “ hard” and be willing to walk through it to the other side.

Why we think we’re exempt is beyond me.

You are meant to be light! So SHINE!!!

From underneath the table

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Parenting is sometimes, on hands and knees, picking up the pieces from a night gone by

When you should be asleep

But you’re not

Because, life…

And you go to pick up board games sprawled across the floor to find more mayhem.

And you’re tired

But you keep going because life.:.

And you find the madness that your children have left and you wonder for a moment, then grab a broom, or a mop, or a match. Whatever fits.

So we wrestle against the ideal

And fight against time

We are only human

And we think we should be more

But we aren’t

We are flesh and bone raising flesh and bone

And the result is often messy…

Far from ideal

But we are breathing.

So I wonder if I can breathe when the board games drape the floor and I wonder what alien has invaded the floor beneath my dining room table.

Please tell me I’m not the only one!

Are we compelled to be the ideal or is there grace for the Lego littered floors and kid-scattered madness.

Is it okay to be human?!?

Or am I drowning?

I don’t really know.

But I know my kids are safe and asleep in their beds while I fight the dining room floor demons again.

Tomorrow, bring a clean, clutter free floor.

If not? Help me know that’s okay!

Otherwise, find me snuggled in a ball of Lego’s and remember I had greatness in me once.

Do You Know Who You Are?

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I’ve been hesitant to write. Hurricane Ian tore through my town, took the lives of people I know, took the homes of my friends, and shook us to breaking.

Thankfully, my family is fine. We watched from the window, waiting for trees we were sure would fall, to go the distance, and miraculously, my family was unscathed.

But then you look around…

And you see the devastation that missed you, so close.

It’s unnerving

It’s unsettling

It’s heartbreaking

This is my home!

So I didn’t want to write about it.

But tonight, my son and I were messing around and playing and singing improv on the piano and this came out,

“When all the light and all the dark have disappeared and I’m staring at the grave of wasted tears. Who am I and who are you and what should we do from here nobody knows.
So we walk through the night. And we share. whatever light we can find so we walk and we we climb through the void to who we are and who you are and who we’re meant to be and now it’s ‘us’…across the void…against the void”

And I’ve spent the day lugging debris and hauling things that may or may not be salvageable from the wreckage. And I hear the tears and pray the prayers and I’m in this…

And I’m living this! And it’s so much more than we ever imagined.

And I wonder who I am

Is the light of Christ in me enough to pierce the darkness?

I know it is cognitively.

But when the real hits you like a train colliding on the back of your faith, can you (I) be grateful? Can I say, “Great is thy Faithfulness “?

I have an answer but I won’t proffer it here. I ask you to decide.

Do we lean on light and what we know of the truth or do we look at destruction and falter?

Okay, I give up. I’ll answer….He is still so, so good!!!!!

No storm can hold Him!

Nothing can chain Him!

And I see it!

So debris can give way and my hope still stands.

I know who I am but more importantly, I know who He is!!!

And that’s enough

Life is beautiful, no matter what

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Life is beautiful in the noise

In the rough

In the torrent

In the pain

In the surreal

In the pulling up and walking on

In the mornings of not enough coffee

In the ache

In the breaking

In the grace pouring beyond what we expect.

Life is beautiful in the forward motion

Walk on, feet!

Even when the beat doesn’t proceed you

Even when the sun has set

Wake up and walk

Move

Breathe

Hard

Breathe

Deep

Walk

Feel the pulsating rhythm of the pulse inside you

Feel deep calling to deep

Embrace the moments that scar

Then throw them to the sea, a testament to tomorrow

Live! Then…

Live again

Perfect isn’t real. I’m a Parent

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Parenting sometimes is, working your tail off for a week through illness and recovery, disinfecting, cleaning, decluttering, super major effort, and ending a Monday with a house in shambles..

And waiting for the next 18 minutes on the washing machine that holds the kids uniforms hostage before you can put them in the dryer and go to sleep, in preparation for the 5:15 am alarm that’s looming. It’s life among the living I think when nothing works like you want but everything is still okay.

They won’t die from clutter and couch sleeping and I will survive on little to no sleep but we kill ourselves in process and the pursuit of perfection. Maybe perfect doesn’t have to mean what I think it means (catch the princess bride reference because all things good in life involve a good princess bride reference).

Maybe it’s okay to just be okay. Lunches packed, clothes laid out for tomorrow minus the ones waiting for the dryer, just life…just okay…

So I’m breathing in the evening and I probably won’t clean the living room tonight because 5am alarm and I don’t wanna’ but that may be okay. Just sayin’