If I could hold the thread of yesterday and pull
What would I be in the coming light?
Jesus, be the name ever on my lips.
If I could serenade the heavens and feel the clock of time awaiting…
Would I sing louder!
Would I wait until the moments of glory passed?
Because it’s the mundane that makes a human
It’s the everyday devotion
It’s the life unspoken
It’s who we are at the core. let me be, at the core, someone who reveals your glory.
Jesus, be the name ever on my lips.
I’m up past my bedtime and I’m thinking of so many random things. How I used to sing loud and now I hold back. How my years of church drew me to study the Bible more closely and the treasure I’ve found for myself! Life can beat you down yet deep calls unto deep. So I’m here tonight calling to the deep, reliving who I was and praising God for who I am. The overwhelming theme is that He has been so faithful to me!!! Words can’t contain his faithfulness. Volumes could be written then unwritten , constructed and reconstructed, and they couldn’t contain his faithfulness. I keep hearing (from various sources) that we should do the last thing God called us to do before moving forward. The last thing I know he told me to do was write and I’ve been stuck. Not because he hasn’t been great, but because I’ve been hesitant to say it all. I don’t know why. I guess it’s partly that I wonder if anyone would resonate with my story and partly the shame of the details (though I have nothing to hide). Still, if deep has a name, I want to meet him. I want to fall headlong into the space between myself and who he is! He is worthy! If only you could know what I’ve seen and experienced. So I will try to tell my story. I will throw it into the void. Be patient with me. I will sing loud again. I will find myself amid the noise.
Side note, “Amid” was the title of one of my first tracks. The circle continues I suppose. 🤣 I guess that’s part of the beauty. Stay tuned…
I don’t know that I would
I don’t know that my yesterday would yield a return.
I might be happy to be the me that I am.
I might wish for the dreams I once cherished.
I might want to be someone else but I don’t think so.
I am me.
The living.
The breathing
The survivor
The conqueror
The warrior
The singer
The writer
I am the culmination of the me I was born to be
And I don’t know who I’ll be tomorrow but that doesn’t stop me from being grateful for today.
Because today is beautiful
Who am I’m in the battle for my life?
When the dust clears?
When tomorrow fades into today?
When everything relies on moments I may not be present enough to face?
Can I continue in the fallout?
Am I enough to face the repercussions?
Is today the last of the real me?
Or can I rise?
I don’t know.
But I pray for redemption and I hope for tomorrow and I show up.
That’s worth something right?!?
I walk into the moment out of necessity and feel what I can to survive.
Is that dark or brave?
I don’t know anymore.
I thought, at one time, I was indifferent to the gaping noise that came from silence.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I thought touch somehow made me worthy.
That’s not me anymore.
When I was a human, I remembered things that seemingly kept me alive.
Stolen breath, kisses soft, Interactions.
I’m not a human anymore.
Humanity can exist in the silence and I’m learning.
Humanity can be the absence of humanity…
The me, alone with me.
And it’s in fact the scariest please I’ve ever been.
Hold your breathe.
If I lived in a vacuum and all that mattered was this moment, what would I want the present to look like?
I could talk of the dreams I have for the present and the future
I could list the wants and dreams for tomorrow but it wouldn’t be today
It probably wouldn’t be tomorrow
Because my life is on hold for now
And nothing can change that.
So I sit in the silence while the world is singing.
I hope and pray for better days.
And I know they will come because I have faith…
But it doesn’t undo the hard things.
And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe the silence brings the noise I need to find the truth.
I’m just spitballing in a world lost.
But maybe that’s enough.
I’ll keep you posted.
I live in worlds where nothing makes sense and normal people don’t abide
And I fight for breath when the ashes rage hot or the smoke envelopes my lungs from the burning all around me
And I wonder why the dissonance screams louder than the melody
When the tune rolls over and over again in my brain
Because, once I was a girl,….
Now I hold the glue and patch while the pieces peal off layer by layer
And I wonder if I’m strong enough.
Even if I’m not? Tomorrow comes like a flood and I will brace myself before the wave, because I know how to handle water.
Goodnight life, I’ll tackle you again tomorrow.
Bring your A-game!
Words fall from trees like leaves hurdling into fall. And I thought they were my friends until they betrayed me.
Then suddenly words don’t matter any more and I fall apart because I need them to make sense of the chaos.
So I sing loud anthems into the dark.
And I cry tears that fall lonely.
And I wait for peace that will come if I’m patient…but I’m not.
So hello today, can we talk about tomorrow?
In days past I could stand tall
Against the world
Against the noise
And the bleating and the chaos was a calm normal in the wake
Though it never should have been
And now the rust settles to decay
And I stand anyway
Because that’s what it means to be in the realm of the real
So feeling you gone doesn’t hurt like it should
And I know I should find my emotions
But I laughed today, hard, until tears flowed with my ten-year-old
And that’s enough to keep me going
Maybe we should measure better
Maybe the laughter should be our compass
I love deeply despite the hurt and I move on despite the pain and now I’m me alone against the void
And maybe that’s best.
I used to try to prevent the hard things.
I used to try and make it all okay with extra work and a swing of my magic sword of indifference and strength combined.
Now I’m learning to lean in.
In the hard things, hope comes from strange places.
In the hard things, we realize there is more than this moment…more than us.
There is a God who provides!
I tend to minimize the thing’s happening in my life.
I tend to act like it’s all fine (when it is not).
But I’m truly grateful!
Because there’s a God who sees it all and is faithful to me no matter what!
And I’m willing to fight through the day, despite the pain, knowing He’s there to hold me up on the other side.
Lean in!
Don’t be afraid!
He’s got you and me and all the broken pieces and a million hearts searching.
Because he’s big enough!
That’s enough for me!
INSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER 