love

Messy me

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

I am a mess, woven in clay, wrapped up in yarn, and presented to the world.

You may see me strung or unstrung, strong or weak

Flesh and bone or fierce.

With every thread I hang on to the maker of the tapestry.

Because that’s all that matters.

Broken and fragmented, waiting for the hands of the sculptor.

And it isn’t weak to wait.

Bravery stands at the edge of a precipice and waits for instruction before flying.

Bravery is being willing to rest at the feet of something greater and be still.

So here I am Lord, use me however.

Bravery is being fully yours!

What it’s like to live in an abusive relationship

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There are nights when life feels okay and you fall asleep and dream of good things.

There are nights when you blame the world’s failings on your own shoulders.

I can bleed with the best of them.

But there are nights when you realize, for maybe a minute, that this is harder than it should be.

And death till you part doesn’t mean, you die like an expense report, in the archives of a business file.

Maybe there’s more than this.

Maybe there’s a place where it isn’t all your fault, Even though it never was to begin with.

Maybe holding on is leaving you cut and scarred and bruised beyond recognition.

And you can’t tell the world because they don’t understand.

And you can’t be a failure again and again.

So you ride the carousel until it stops and buy another ticket.

Because yesterday was good

And tomorrow is unknown.

But anything is better than this…

Heave, ho, pull the anchor in again my friend because it’s not easy and you and you alone get to decide when it’s too heavy.

Who are you?

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I think I am me when the dust settles and the night falls and I stare at my pillow and I wonder

What is today? And what will be different tomorrow? And what’s the harm in thinking about that?

I think tomorrow is propelled by today.

I think I am the sum of yesterday and today and tomorrow combined because I believe God is bigger than that mess!

There’s a symbolism in the weight of the fracture between me and today and tomorrow.

There is more than I can see

There is more than me.

So hold on tight beloved. You are beloved

Because you don’t always see what’s waiting beyond the veil.

And I know theology and not every gets a peak behind the curtain but I’m waiting and I know He is too. That’s enough for me!

On learning and loving and walking on

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Sometimes your own people won’t get you

Sometimes it hurts

Sometimes that’s okay

Sometimes it’s not

That’s okay too

Walk on dear friend.

Move into the next moment, okay with yourself and who you are.

If the night stopped the second a cloud came, we’d never see daylight

But we keep spinning

And the dawn will come

Wake up tomorrow and realize you don’t need the approval of the setting sun.

If you really knew me…

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If you really knew me, would you hang me out to dry with the stars?

Would you wonder if I’m someone worth your time?

Would you debate with the clock and the ashes of lives lived and gone?

Would you pull me close and tell me of tomorrows?

Would you fold the flames of a life well lived around me or call for backup?

If you really knew me, would you say hello when you saw me or hide?

If you really knew me would you wonder at the greatness I hold or run in the opposite direction?

Will you read my words on a page and wonder if I’m human?

Or will you find that we are the same

Fumbling for light when the darkness presses in and …

Reaching, so hard, when the light calls?

Do you see me? Can you hear me?

These are questions for the abyss yet I ask them.

These moments define destiny.

Iif you really knew me, you would know.

But in the space of time and light and all the things that make us….us, I’m a voice screaming into the air.

But if you really knew me, that might matter.

In the meantime, I’m okay with the background chatter.

Human

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I used to be human, once when it was trendy.

But what good are trends anyway?!?

I’m me in the trenches.

I’m me when the world crashes around me.

I’m me in the flesh and the bone…in the spirit and song…

In the trenches.

Just little ol’ me

I grope for air when I need to breathe

I hang on to euphemisms when I need hope.

I grope for light when I feel dark.

I wait for the dishes to be done

For the world to feel uncluttered even when I know I’m responsible for the outcome.

I wait for the light to appear.

But I am loved!

Not by you certainly. Maybe not even by the people I hold close to my chest like life preservers.

But I’m loved.

And maybe that’s enough.

Because I’ll get up tomorrow and go again.

And things will get done little by little and I will grow or whatever…

Tonight, I’m me, in the light of a thousand moons,and the presence of a God who loves me anyway and that’s more than enough for me!

Enough

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I admit, some nights I feel like I’m not enough.

I work my tail off all day and come to the end and realize I couldn’t do it all!

My “to do list” will extend to tomorrow and may even exceed my “today list”.

I tried.

I succeeded

I failed

I’m tired, I’m hungry, I’m done!

One small step at a time can feel like a mountain of failure for an overachiever like me.

I climbed Everest today and completely decluttered my closet and rescued my bedroom from chaos. And it should feel good.

But for the over achieving me, it feels like failure.

And that’s not okay.

I shouldn’t revel in each mountaintop.

I should glory in the small steps.

But I feel the weight of a thousand, looming, “to-dos”.

Why can’t I accept the beauty of a little each day?

I don’t know.

But I know, “for such a time as this”.

I heard it when the world stopped for me and my pastor preached it and said it to my face!

I heard it in my spirit when I wanted to stop.

“For such a time as this…“

Keep on!

Don’t give up!

I can’t explain it but I know you and I were made for this! Whatever “this” may be for you.

Don’t blink when the light starts shining!

Don’t run when it all tries to chase you down.

One step in front of the other.

One breath

One scripture

One moment.

Breathe!

Enough is being who you are!

Never, ever forget!

Don’t forget who you are and that you were made “for such a time as this”

Tomorrow might be better or worse or in between but you can handle it all!

I can handle it all!

What other choice is there?

Breathe!

Shampoo, rinse, repeat…

Do it all again and remember that we aren’t the sum of our accomplishments, we are defined by our next steps.

And maybe they won’t be great and we can be defined by the ones after that.

Make tomorrow count. And be okay with today

Because “enough” isn’t what we want it to be; it’s whether we pick up and move on tomorrow.

Just breathe. It’s okay!

Time in a bottle

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If time really were in a bottle, I would drink deeply.

I don’t always know who I am

But I’m me in this moment

So sound the alarms and ring the bells because I’m present

And maybe I’m the me I thought I was yesterday

Or maybe life is okay when it’s half-lived and the night is blocked by the sun

And life is great when the sun shines

But no one promised us a rose garden (quote the old author)

But life is greater when you know who you are and where you stand and when enough is enough or there’s light on the horizon, peaking.

I don’t back down! I never have and I don’t plan on changing.

So bring the dusk or the dawn but watch me rise! Because I always RISE!

Moonlight and yesterday and maybe tomorrow

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I once basked in moonlight

I found it glorious

I remember writing cheesy poetry about the moon being a “rock ball reflection of the brightness of fire”

The moon was a magical reflection of what could be in the dawning of the SON.

I never shied away from night because I see it as an integral part of living.

I’m still not a morning person.

I don’t sleep well.

I don’t enjoy waking

I want to stay in bed in the embrace of the solitude

It’s a flaw I live with every day when the 5am alarm blares.

But in darkness, we can remember light and that is crucial.

I am scrambling tonight in pursuit of bedtime while my to-do list beckons.

One thing I know…

Tomorrow is coming and I will tackle whatever it brings.

Live

Like there’s no tomorrow

Find the light when the moon hides and the sun doesn’t show its face.

Get up! Breathe again and remember why!

Sometimes, that’s all we’ve got.

So go!!!