I walked where the night falls
Flickers of light when I can’t really see
And I watch the broken and the burdened
And I see me
Who knows who I am
Certainly not me
But here in the void, where I wonder at light or day, I am found.
So scream angels
And cry holy
Because he is!
And fight for tomorrow
Because it’s coming.and you and I are here.
So breathe!
There is is rhythm and life to who we are and what we expect and all the things we leave unsaid.
It pulses in the background until the smallest thing becomes the biggest in the room
Sing into the night, melodies, only you can hear’
When the moments of peace give way to tsunami.
But love can conquer all if we let it.
Find the counterpoint and disrupt the rhythm.
Be brave
Be strong
Or fall apart for a minute and pick up the pieces.
Be you
Cry, if you must.
Scream, if you must.
Then walk forward.
Don’t be silent
But don’t let the need to be heard consume you.
Just keep walking.
This is life.
This is real.
This is fabric knit together to make us more.
Don’t miss out because all you see is, “the thing”
And don’t miss out because you are too afraid to find your voice.
Be real. Be raw. Be you!!!!!
And forget the crowd that may not approve.
Find yourself in the author of life.
Walk in the discovery because THAT is everything!
Who are we to claim the stars when the earth crumbles around us?
Human, and breathing, and grasping for eternity in the midst…we flail and fall and try again and get up
Because we are breathing and, despite the broken, we find light.
And if light isn’t enough, we claw at the darkness and rise again in the morning
And that, is life…
The rising and falling of tides and moonlight
Don’t dream of a world without pain.
Dream of a world with resilience.
The latter is so much more important!
Find yourself in the beginning of tomorrow instead of the end of yesterday
And maybe that’s enough.
The stuff that brings the “real” and the “raw”
And find yourself devoted to being real.
Find yourself devoted to who you are in Christ and who you are in the midst of the the hurt.
We cannot be salt and light without being willing to “cure’ and wade through the dim.
Don’t expect “easy”, expect “ hard” and be willing to walk through it to the other side.
Why we think we’re exempt is beyond me.
You are meant to be light! So SHINE!!!
I’ve been hesitant to write. Hurricane Ian tore through my town, took the lives of people I know, took the homes of my friends, and shook us to breaking.
Thankfully, my family is fine. We watched from the window, waiting for trees we were sure would fall, to go the distance, and miraculously, my family was unscathed.
But then you look around…
And you see the devastation that missed you, so close.
It’s unnerving
It’s unsettling
It’s heartbreaking
This is my home!
So I didn’t want to write about it.
But tonight, my son and I were messing around and playing and singing improv on the piano and this came out,
“When all the light and all the dark have disappeared and I’m staring at the grave of wasted tears. Who am I and who are you and what should we do from here nobody knows.
So we walk through the night. And we share. whatever light we can find so we walk and we we climb through the void to who we are and who you are and who we’re meant to be and now it’s ‘us’…across the void…against the void”
And I’ve spent the day lugging debris and hauling things that may or may not be salvageable from the wreckage. And I hear the tears and pray the prayers and I’m in this…
And I’m living this! And it’s so much more than we ever imagined.
And I wonder who I am
Is the light of Christ in me enough to pierce the darkness?
I know it is cognitively.
But when the real hits you like a train colliding on the back of your faith, can you (I) be grateful? Can I say, “Great is thy Faithfulness “?
I have an answer but I won’t proffer it here. I ask you to decide.
Do we lean on light and what we know of the truth or do we look at destruction and falter?
Okay, I give up. I’ll answer….He is still so, so good!!!!!
No storm can hold Him!
Nothing can chain Him!
And I see it!
So debris can give way and my hope still stands.
I know who I am but more importantly, I know who He is!!!
And that’s enough
If I’m going to fall, can I please fall hard and hit my head?
Can there be concussion and bruising so I don’t look like a fool?
Can I rest in the “okay-ness” of my weakness?
If I do, do I have to wait for a diagnosis?
Fallen, in need of grace?
Can’t we just be human?
Wake up sleepers
Wake up church!
In the land of the living, an anchor holds
And we get to reveal it and show it to the masses
That’s enough
Love is enough
We can kick and claw and scream at the wind
We can cry behind closed doors
But we can’t stop reaching
For real love!
THAT is the anchor
Nails and thorns and mercy on a cross
And death giving way to victory
Who are you?
Who does He say I am?
Where is victory?
Can you see it today?
If not, look again.
It’s worth fighting for!
So, my mornings are always morning before morning should be allowed
I’m not a morning person…working on this…
But in anticipation of tomorrow, I plan.
I pack lunchboxes and clean and lie clean clothes on racks and hooks, and find shoes lost by minions (small people I’m charged to raise)
But, unfortunately, sometimes I dread the day ahead.
I’m not proud of it.
And I think if His mercies new every morning and the blessing of parenthood and employment and a life well lived.
But in reality, I go to bed knowing my alarm will sound the horror bell of having to wake up when I want to sleep.
Still, there’s a blessing when the coffee and the day kick in.
When sunlight brings possibilities that I haven’t imagined.
So I ride before the sun and do it again and again.
This life doesn’t have to be brilliant or awesome in the light of day but it has to continue to bring meaning.
So today leads to tomorrow and every moment, even the mundane, leads to greatness.
Will I be remembered for the lunches I pack and the jokes I wrote in sharpie on ziplock? Probably not. But will I be remembered for my perseverance and strength? I hope so.
Wake up tomorrow and do it again.
Just go!
One foot in front of the next, in excellence. It’s all anyone can ask and it’s more than enough.
Two cents from the routine.
Two cents to manufacture a million. Just RUN!
If I were a mere mortal in the land of the living
You know that place where truth and grace collide
And the maker of heaven called me beautiful in spite of my ugly
And I set out to show the world the immensity of glory
And the rug beneath me failed to hold the weight
And the ground shook at the sound of Your voice
And I am me and you are infinite
What can I offer?
A prayer to the God who sees
A song to the voice of the mute
I am a disabled veteran in the land of the living
No claim to fame just a life sacrificed at the altar of service
And in my case, badly offered
Bruised and unworthy
But still showing up
Still fighting
Still ready to stand and say it’s all worth it
Bring it on world, I’m here standing on weak knees, ready for tomorrow
Warrior with broken feet…standing on hope.
Wake me up!
I have a hearing loss. I like to blame it on being a musician and years of in-ear monitors blasting a “click” (metronome) in my ears at volumes far louder than recommended because that sounds cooler than “I have a hearing loss”. The reality is, my dad had a significant hearing loss, my mother has hearing loss, my brother has hearing loss, and my daughter was born with a moderate hearing loss, so odds are, it runs in the family. Either way, listening with understanding can be difficult for me at times.
My husband often gets frustrated with me as I respond with confusion and “huh” more often than either of us would like. Or I think he’s saying something that isn’t even close to what he’s actually saying and react in a manner totally inappropriate to the reality before me. My kids have to repeat themselves time and time again which most likely drives them crazy. I long for the day when I can afford hearing aids so I don’t frustrate those closest to me so frequently. But for now…
I pray that my ears work a little better than my mouth. I hope to be the kind of person who really listens to what others are saying to me (even when I can’t hear them fully). I may not always understand their perspective and I may often disagree but that doesn’t negate the responsibility to listen. When we find ourselves so enamored with our own opinions that ours is the only viewpoint we can see, we might be guilty of this.
There is such a thing as fundamental truth. I do not subscribe to the notion that all things are relative and your truth is different than mine. Some things are black and white without a grey area to smudge and blur the dividing lines. Don’t misunderstand me.
Yet, how can we espouse the truth we hold so dear, and positively influence the life of another person, if we can’t take the time to sit in community with them and hear what they are saying? I think we will find that often times, the things we are getting so angry and upset about “the other side” saying, aren’t really what they are saying at all. We are so quick to polarize. We are so quick to speak before we hear.
I get myself in trouble all the time when I hear (or think I hear) someone say something to me but in my impairment, I think they are saying something completely bizarre and I couldn’t be farther from the truth. It’s become a comedy of sorts with my kids because I will quote back to them what I heard which will be something completely off the wall like, “a band of monkeys invaded Pearl Harbor”, and they’ll laugh and tell me they actually said, “there are ants in the tree in the backyard”. Feel free to donate to that hearing aid fund :).
I think we all do that in life all the time. Maybe not literally like I do, but when we jump to conclusions about another person’s intentions, life experiences, perspectives. When we forget that, “Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one].” I Corinthians 13:7 AMP. Slow down and listen! And if you don’t understand, ask questions, and LISTEN to the answer. You might be surprised that your enemy isn’t really an enemy and even if they are, they might be won over with a small amount of kindness.
Our anger will never produce the righteousness of God. Our kindness and patience might shine the light of his glory and truth to generations. We will never win an argument we are fighting against ourselves, but we can learn to listen and speak out of the abundance of a life turned towards Jesus and the goodness of the Holy Spirit. Sometimes, that may mean speaking a word of correction and a good dose of disagreement, but that doesn’t mean an angry tirade against the masses. Slow down!
I may not have physical hearing aids yet and my kids will still laugh at me when I think they are saying they want to “dance with piglets” instead of “have some Cheez-its”. But I hope my spiritual hearing aids are tuned to hear everything through the redemptive love of Jesus Christ and a desire to see him shine! Those are the messages I want my big mouth to shout to the ends of the earth.
From the places the ashes go to burn, I can see you were me…and I…and us consumed.
Who let the ember die?
Who felt the life when it was young?
Only the coals. And fire begins in the belly of the brave.
Remember who you are…
I’ve done a lot of research lately. Call it the consequences of a lifelong nerd falling down a rabbit hole. Alice would be proud!
An almost lifelong friend recently “deconstructed” from the Christian faith. I have a lifetime invested in this faith, part of which, I walked along side this friend…closely. So I wondered…
What causes someone to give up a lifetime for a new lifetime? Is there anything that would possibly convince me to walk away? What reasons, what heartache, what analytical study, what abuse, would separate life from life and truth from truth?
For me, the answer is nothing. I’ve firmly established my convictions and beliefs and cannot be persuaded of anything contrary. But I get it. I really do.
I despise spiritual abuse! It is abhorrent! And I believe a Jesus would be in the midst of it with chords turning tables and agreeing with me. There is no excuse. I despise the notion that anything, power, ministry, or money, could be more important than the rights of a victim! There is no excuse.
But this does not disqualify the gospel. And there are far too many thoughts swirling in my brain tonight to make this fully cohesive.
For tonight, I will say that I’ve seen multiple posts surrounding the idea of Christian worship that are grating at me. I’ve been leading worship over half of my life so this inherently bothers me.
They say that worship music is manipulation preying on the emotional response of the congregant. That the music is derived in such a way as to inherently initiate an emotive response and is, therefore, manipulative by nature.
I take issue with this on multiple levels but tonight let me give you an experiential example.
Yes, music is moving. Music speaks to the soul. No one can deny this. Why it is supposedly wrong to incorporate this with our faith traditions is lost on me. Even in scripture, Saul calls for a musician to soothe him. The musicians went into battle before the army. There is precedented truth to the power of music to inspire and transform. Why is that wrong?
The criticism is that worship music inherently coerces an emotional response and we, worship leaders, manipulate with chords and progressions designed to elicit said response from the hearer.
I couldn’t help but think of a moment in our worship services this past Sunday when we sang the song, “Hymn of Heaven”. The lyric to the second verse says, “And every prayer we prayed in desperation. The songs of faith we sang through doubt and fear. In the end, we’ll see that it was worth it. When He returns to wipe away our tears”
For reference, I was on stage performing this song. So don’t think for a moment I wasn’t involved? But, in the moment, I wasn’t feeling the emotional resonance of chord structure and performance. I was caught up in the lyrics, the truth of my life this year and the prayers “I’ve prayed in desperation”, and the “songs of faith I’ve sang through doubt and fears.” And the beauty of what God has done in my life recently.
I lead/backup vocal worship almost every week of my life for the last 30 years and this few months, I found myself reaching for life at the wellspring of hope because life isn’t easy. You don’t know my journey, but if you did…
We aren’t immune to suffering.we aren’t promised tulips and roses.
Sometimes we get prayers of desperation. Sometimes, there isn’t sense to be made of the chaos. And my full story is a song for another blog post…
But as I sang this song from the stage on Sunday (along with others equally as beautiful and impactful), tears filled my eyes and I had to be “that girl” on the church’s livestream pulling myself together while my tears fell.
Because if it weren’t for the gospel…
If it weren’t for truth…
If it weren’t worth it…
I wouldn’t be here.
Someday I will share the whole story. Someday, I will explain but for now…I hear the naysayers calling “manipulation” and I praise God above that He is REAL!!! He is TRUTH! And He is enough for me.
I’m truly sorry for the voices lost to spiritual abuse. My heart breaks for you more than I can express but I please don’t judge God on the horrible injustices of people who call themselves his. Find Him. Reconstruct to the true and loving God who is so infinitely valuable and faithful!
Two cents for the hurting…how can I help? I’m listening.
INSPIRED BY THE COMFORTER 