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When the mirror finds you

/ Jaimie / Leave a comment

I’ve been going through some stuff.

It’s heavy.

But tonight I found myself on the elliptical running out the problems of today and I wonder

What if the mirror has been lying?

What if the me I want isn’t hiding in the shadows of the me I was?

What if all my striving wasn’t meant to make me whole?

What if us and everything together isn’t the goal?

Maybe there’s more behind the veil.

Maybe something good can come from this beautiful mess.

So I surrender to the night and shower away the pain of today and find hope and healing in a God who never fails.

And, I realize none of this makes sense.

But to the ones hurting, tonight can be a light if we let it.

Tomorrow can bring hope regardless of the night before.

Fight on dear friends. You have greatness in you!

Find the light even when the mirror tells you otherwise.

Breaking

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I won’t break!

I might…

I won’t look for answers in the void

Or I will…

Either way, I’m okay.

Because sometimes that’s how I realize who I am

And sometimes that’s enough.

Nighttime

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When the world crashes down, make sure to bring a straw

Something you can hang above the landslide to catch your breath.

I’ve learned the importance of a hundred straws

And I’ve grappled with the soil countless times

Yet, my anchor still holds.

Struggling and wriggling beneath the weight is real

And they don’t send you instructions or preparatory warnings

It’s you and God and the thread attached to the anchor that holds.

So dive deep when the oxygen tank is close to empty and find the miracle

Because it’s waiting.

He never fails!

I do

But even when I do, He’s enough!

So I dig into the soil and find the gold in the midst of the muck and mire.

And I’ll be better tomorrow…

One time…

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One time, there was a girl who was afraid.

She wrestled with her fear.

She thought if she gave it voice it would consume her.

She thought if she showed weakness, the weakness would swallow her.

She thought if she were better, she wouldn’t find herself here.

She thought if she were better everything would be okay.

Then the world caved in

She had to realize it wasn’t about her at all

She had to realize that in the pain and brokenness, Jesus would still see her, meet her, find her.

And He did! And it’s okay. And brokenness can lead to healing. And pain can lead to triumph and all the things.

And maybe, just maybe, that can be her story.

I am she, and this is now, and my brokenness today led to beauty. So there’s that…

Messy me

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I am a mess, woven in clay, wrapped up in yarn, and presented to the world.

You may see me strung or unstrung, strong or weak

Flesh and bone or fierce.

With every thread I hang on to the maker of the tapestry.

Because that’s all that matters.

Broken and fragmented, waiting for the hands of the sculptor.

And it isn’t weak to wait.

Bravery stands at the edge of a precipice and waits for instruction before flying.

Bravery is being willing to rest at the feet of something greater and be still.

So here I am Lord, use me however.

Bravery is being fully yours!

What it’s like to live in an abusive relationship

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There are nights when life feels okay and you fall asleep and dream of good things.

There are nights when you blame the world’s failings on your own shoulders.

I can bleed with the best of them.

But there are nights when you realize, for maybe a minute, that this is harder than it should be.

And death till you part doesn’t mean, you die like an expense report, in the archives of a business file.

Maybe there’s more than this.

Maybe there’s a place where it isn’t all your fault, Even though it never was to begin with.

Maybe holding on is leaving you cut and scarred and bruised beyond recognition.

And you can’t tell the world because they don’t understand.

And you can’t be a failure again and again.

So you ride the carousel until it stops and buy another ticket.

Because yesterday was good

And tomorrow is unknown.

But anything is better than this…

Heave, ho, pull the anchor in again my friend because it’s not easy and you and you alone get to decide when it’s too heavy.

Who are you?

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I think I am me when the dust settles and the night falls and I stare at my pillow and I wonder

What is today? And what will be different tomorrow? And what’s the harm in thinking about that?

I think tomorrow is propelled by today.

I think I am the sum of yesterday and today and tomorrow combined because I believe God is bigger than that mess!

There’s a symbolism in the weight of the fracture between me and today and tomorrow.

There is more than I can see

There is more than me.

So hold on tight beloved. You are beloved

Because you don’t always see what’s waiting beyond the veil.

And I know theology and not every gets a peak behind the curtain but I’m waiting and I know He is too. That’s enough for me!

On learning and loving and walking on

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Sometimes your own people won’t get you

Sometimes it hurts

Sometimes that’s okay

Sometimes it’s not

That’s okay too

Walk on dear friend.

Move into the next moment, okay with yourself and who you are.

If the night stopped the second a cloud came, we’d never see daylight

But we keep spinning

And the dawn will come

Wake up tomorrow and realize you don’t need the approval of the setting sun.

If you really knew me…

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If you really knew me, would you hang me out to dry with the stars?

Would you wonder if I’m someone worth your time?

Would you debate with the clock and the ashes of lives lived and gone?

Would you pull me close and tell me of tomorrows?

Would you fold the flames of a life well lived around me or call for backup?

If you really knew me, would you say hello when you saw me or hide?

If you really knew me would you wonder at the greatness I hold or run in the opposite direction?

Will you read my words on a page and wonder if I’m human?

Or will you find that we are the same

Fumbling for light when the darkness presses in and …

Reaching, so hard, when the light calls?

Do you see me? Can you hear me?

These are questions for the abyss yet I ask them.

These moments define destiny.

Iif you really knew me, you would know.

But in the space of time and light and all the things that make us….us, I’m a voice screaming into the air.

But if you really knew me, that might matter.

In the meantime, I’m okay with the background chatter.

Human

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I used to be human, once when it was trendy.

But what good are trends anyway?!?

I’m me in the trenches.

I’m me when the world crashes around me.

I’m me in the flesh and the bone…in the spirit and song…

In the trenches.

Just little ol’ me

I grope for air when I need to breathe

I hang on to euphemisms when I need hope.

I grope for light when I feel dark.

I wait for the dishes to be done

For the world to feel uncluttered even when I know I’m responsible for the outcome.

I wait for the light to appear.

But I am loved!

Not by you certainly. Maybe not even by the people I hold close to my chest like life preservers.

But I’m loved.

And maybe that’s enough.

Because I’ll get up tomorrow and go again.

And things will get done little by little and I will grow or whatever…

Tonight, I’m me, in the light of a thousand moons,and the presence of a God who loves me anyway and that’s more than enough for me!